My body has these temperamental flares;

my heart betrays me.

Teach me to do it, you said; it was the first time, you posed between my legs with a pouting bottom lip

your elbow boring in to my chest

awkward as a faun,

untouched

for too long.

Now, about once a month, my heart riots

riptide in my ribs

She has a viciousness to her, a familiarity to her brokenness

but I can't forgive her.

Not on my bad days. Slow down, you stupid fuck, I hit my chest in frustration

The same place you put your elbow, unsure

Lost in a completely different kind of unknowing, uncontrolling, unbeing

tears slow on my cheeks, because I am laying down

Because that's all I can do

On my bad days.

Grit my teeth while she marathons to nowhere and

Try not to cry in front of the kids.

But with you

But then

Put a pillow under me, I said, and then I positioned your arm over my shoulder

I kissed your neck while you began to whimper

Pumping away at me, a newfound freedom through fucking, like a wild horse

breaking for the horizon. I came with my eyes open

Screaming in another language

my legs wrapped around your narrow hips, gasping

Awake--Alive. Living

That's what I felt when you came in me

And I came under you

And now

When I touch my chest, my heart thundering to nowhere below my skin

I cry.

I miss you so much more, on bad days

On my back, staring at nothing

And rubbing the place on my chest where you made your first small mistake

Pussy wet from remembering

Cheeks wet from tears

And my traitor, my ruin, pounding away under the skin.