My fellow apes,

I know that many of you are worn and weary from battle. Your diamond hands have been punished, your smooth brains have been tortured, yet you still hold strong. As we push forward toward our next battle, chants of Ape Strong Together in our minds and confidence that the Tendieman cometh in our hearts, I must warn you that our war may never end.

Just as we witnessed our parents and grandparents lose everything in ’08, there is a new generation of shorts that we shall call the Teeny-Weenys, who are watching their world collapse around them. They are being forcibly removed from their elite private schools for non-payment of tuition. Subjected to the shame of going home in an Uber because their Chauffer had to be let go. They are witnessing Daddy have to sell the second yacht, and Mommy crying over the fourth vacation home in the Hamptons getting foreclosed on. Little brother may not get the Maserati he was promised for his 16th birthday

The Teeny-Weenys are still young, but they hate us with every fiber of their being. They know that the pain that was inflicted on their lives was because our smooth brained brothers and sisters, along with our smarter cousins the Autists, decided not to play by the rules their families made for us generations ago. That we would dare to defy their elite powers is a sin that they will do their best to punish.

So be prepared fellow apes. One day, in the not too distant future, after the squeeze is squoze and we have reached our new homeland a message will reach us. The Teeny-Weenys will attack our beloved GameStop once again, and there will be no apes with brains smooth enough to fight them left on Earth. It will be up to us to return and battle a new generation of evil.

Enjoy our victories, eat your tendies, fap when you can, but above all stay frosty and do not let your guard down. You didn’t choose the warrior life, the warrior life chose you. Protecting good from the evil forces of the Shorts and the Teeny-Weenys is your destiny. Go forth and fulfill your calling.

You were made for this.