There are two things you can do when the colour leaches from the world: accept it and live on in your memories, or fling a pot of paint in the face of the cosmos. You're in the 1% of people who do the latter. Maybe you're prone to boredom; maybe you're in a relationship that makes you feel bored. Either way, you need to feel better that this: you're attractive, you're intelligent, you're formidable––every day you transact should expand the human experience by some quantum of difference.

I want to help you with that. Why me? I'm witty, attractive, in superlative physical shape, socially adept, professionally accomplished. I am as compelling as the rising fare on the taxi meter, except I'll take you somewhere good and it won't cost a thing. I'm a university professor, but that's only part of what I do. That feeling of depressing superiority you feel in relation to most men you meet? Kiss it goodbye. I savour interesting people and will plunge into your being like it will earn me a Nobel Prize.

And you? You will need to have a penetrating, cynical intelligence and a facility for reading between the lines that makes schizophrenia look like it's not even trying. You will look after yourself physically and be attractive (evidence: people tell you that you are; nice-but-boring colleagues fall in love with you, etc). You will be receptive to risk-taking across all domains of behaviour, from the erotic to the chemical. You'll like older men, and maybe have a kink for them; possibly you're artistic. Most of all, you are aware that we are not here forever, and if we are to redeem the experience, we need to take and not ask.

What's our plan? We meet (say) next week; we'll know by then that we're physically attracted to each other because we'll have exchanged pictures. Our conversation will progress with such fluency that kissing will seem like an afterthought. After that, who knows? Maybe we meet again; maybe we burn out after one meeting. But we'll know that we encountered each other, that's for sure.

If this resonates with you, talk to me; if it doesn't, don't. But always remember that it's getting late ... but it's never too late ...