I didn't realize this place existed and it instantly reminded me of what someone told me.

This wasn't even that long ago, maybe six months or so, I used to do RP on a... fun... website and there was this guy who was really, really fucking good at RPing. Like, easily the best I'd spent time with. He really understood the emotional elements, how people think and feel, and was just so descriptive. His big thing though, was that while he was into BDSMy stuff, his sense of attraction was narrow. Exactly the kind of women you'd expect that kind of man to be into. Blonde. Perfect face. All that good stuff. I think he liked Asian women too, but for very, very different reasons. He also hated defiance. Not like, he would play with it and correct course, he was very very strict about people doing what he said and making him happy. Fucking around and being bratty was an instant turnoff. I hadn't done anything to get on his bad side and he'd tell me little bits and pieces of this.

It made sense when we talked about politics. I don't know what brought it up, but once it came up, it made sense. I played dumb in order to learn more about what he thought, and it got very, very dark and very very bad. The thing is? He predicted what would happen. He knew Trump would win and it gutted me that he would even think that. But we kept doing our thing on and off. I'd sneak in more messed up ideas and he'd oblige.

But I had to cut him off. He was too toxic for me. It hurt, but I got over it. Every couple of weeks or so, I'd think about him, I'd think about what we wrote together, and then I'd feel guilty and slam my laptop shut.

And he was right. Everything he said came true. Not his worldly beliefs, but the election and the way people would react to it. I've thought about him so much the past two weeks. He had so many people he could write with and he chose me over them all, and it made me feel special and wanted. Deep down, I knew that he wasn't anything special as a person, but the way he would talk to me and the things we'd write together felt like nothing else could possibly matter.

I can't go back to that place, and I can't spend the kind of time I did there ever again, but he lives in my mind rent free, almost daily, and even when I can't reliably get off, my memories of what we wrote together do it within minutes, if not seconds.

Sometimes I hate him more than anything, and sometimes I want him to be inside me and telling me about my fucked up future where I'll be a distraction to him, just the latest girl he fucked up or even knocked up :/

I'm not going to use the words he did, but if you're thinking about the most right wing ideology? He was worse than that. He knew exactly which races he wanted to breed out or remove. At least I was good enough in his eyes to not be sent to a camp.

I don't know, I needed to get that off my chest. This felt like the best place for it. Thanks for listening?