Welcome back!

So admittedly the first part only had a single song. That's not good, we need to really bump it up. With the song count also comes a theme. This time it's about me, the parts I haven't really gotten into. So with a dash of vulnerability, enjoy.

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That Life - Unknown Mortal Orchestra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJXccBGs_IY

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I told you once I live on stress. Part of it is because it's the best way to motivate myself, part of it is because I'm just naturally a stressed out guy. Neither of those are the main reason though. The main reason I live on stress is because it's the best damn distraction a guy could ever ask for. I don't like inward thinking and reflection Syd, never have. I far prefer helping others with their issues, to the point that in the great days of AIM and Yahoo Messenger (phew buddy remember that shit?) I was the go-to armchair therapist. Something was never quite right with me as a kid, though it wasn't until middle school that my parents finally let in and tried to figure out what it was. Turns out, I was major depressive - a fun little diagnosis that I haven't ever really been able to shake, just ignore.

I was pretty good at ignoring my problems. After all, I just had to keep busy. In Middle school it was the finer things of life: Books, movies, anime (though not the fox tail variety), and food. But much like this song says in the chorus, no matter what I did, there was always something about. That something was the corner of my mind wanting to push on through. Better come up with something stronger I figured. I met Jim not terribly too long after. Jim and I became fast friends over shared interests and a desire to push it to the limit. Together, we found that drinking and taking everything we could get our hands on was definitely the way to go to numb the minds.

It wasn't all bad, after all I now have story after story of silly drug/alcohol fueled nonsense adventures. But they were shallow, and they most certainly kept us both from looking at our problems directly. As you know Syd, life has a way of giving you a wake up call eventually. My call was coughing up a little bit of blood one day. Hey hey now I had a new friend in the form of an ulcer, induced by a mixture of genetics, stress, and hard living. it changed my world, forced me to look at the mirror, and it showed me that "That Life" wasn't worth it.

If you haven't heard of Unknown Mortal Orchestra, here's your 101. They're the modern Grateful Dead in the idea that people everyone just want to get really, really high and listen to their droning, unique spread. Jim was the one to first discover them, and we still listen to them to this day! For more by them, I point you to Honeybee, and Nadja - both fairly new, but some of their best. They even have a song I really wanted to include, but probably don't have the courage for. Oh well NEXT SONG!

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Hold It In - Jukebox the Ghost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVXF7hXzxIY

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I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5osPtE7kXI

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So here I am having to change my life course, finally facing my fear and trying to have some introspection. But how they hell does someone do that? Don't they know I've been taught to vault every single feeling I've ever had? I told you Syd that my father was a bit of a robot, and perhaps I didn't do it justice. I wasn't just taught to "be a man" and never show weakness, he was a large supporter of the idea of never showing emotion. In middle school when I was acting out the most and frankly often just out of control, he pulled me aside and told me just to wear a mask and hold it in. So I did. I ballooned all of my thoughts, kept a smile on my face, and only occasionally in a dark hour when I was on my own did I let that loose.

But I knew I couldn't keep that charade up. It literally helped give me an Ulcer! So I slowly in college learned how not to Hold It In. I started speaking my mind, I would let myself cry (only at movies at first), and I removed my filter. Now perhaps I removed it a little too well, but regardless it was the start of the new me. I found productive ways to give myself not stress, but eustress that allowed me to start enjoying my life.

Did you know I play piano? Well at least I DID play piano pretty well, which left me with a love of those who can play well. Jukebox the Ghost can do just that and they've been a small fixture of my life since. They also represent close to the softest of the music I'll listen to. We haven't really gone far from this yet admittedly, perhaps we will!

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Also yes, you got two whole songs this time around. Don't get used to it, I can't spoiler you too much Sydney, but it was the perfect spot to place Bleachers. Believe it or not, I don't actually care for Jack Antonoff, Bleachers, or Fun. But I do love the hell out of this song. You can feel that when he made it, he did it for a reason. That feeling resonates with me each time I sit down to listen. I remember how desperately I wanted to have a do-over, to change the chaos of my life before it changed me for the worse. And I still hold onto this song like a badge, remember that I wanted it, so I did it. Also it's just a fun song right? Little heavy on the music volume, but that solo in the middle is just Noice!

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Somewhere to Hide - Shiny Toy Guns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_MHWc44yxY

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So I started my life over. I developed what some could call a very boring, structured existence. I found I enjoyed structure and became a man of habit, hell I started drinking protein shakes for lunch and still haven't really kicked that one. I wrote down goals, and things that I wanted to do to live the "normal life", so that I didn't have to hide away my feelings and could just be happy. A sweet job, a home, a partner, I went after all of that and was successful. But I was also blinded in my pursuit, a horse with blinders only going one direction and never hesitating. It wasn't until much much later that I realized yet again, I wasn't living true to myself, I was still hiding aspects and refusing to come to terms with them. There were holes that I had squirreled away that would keep poking their head out each spring. They had to be addressed and luckily this time around I wasn't alone. I had a group of those close by that could help me understand what it was that I was missing. So the search started.

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At one point in my life, I would have labeled Shiny Toy Guns as one of the top 3 bands for me. They always have a knack of bringing out emotion with their fun mix of rock and electric. They were an unstable band, switching lead singers for a hot second, but each album of theirs is golden and full of bangers that you can chill to, but also may bring a tear to your eye just from the shear emotion.

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BONUS SONG

Lessons in Love - Kaskade and Neon Trees

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWVVZLgV70k

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I owe you the story of my first cruise. Would have been nice to earn as pillow talk, but you've definitely earned it Syd. So let's get into it and a topper to this post.

Background: I was raised in a very conservative Christian household. Went to a private school in my youth (up until that dreaded middle school) , and generally was kept in something I've come to call the "Christian Bubble". What that entailed was that I really only experienced what my parents let me. The only music I had was faith based, the only movies were G rated fun, I really didn't know what the world was like. That of course included girls, I never really learned what it was all about. And then we went on the first ever Extended family cruise. Now you know I'm close to the family, but did you know that were also like close in proximity? I was a family of 5, with my Aunt and Uncle and their 4 kids, both sets of grandparents, and my Aunt and Uncle of the other side of the cloth who hadn't had kids yet, for a total of 17 members going on the same cruise. Also important to the background of the story is that I was in 7th grade at the time, so however old that is and my best friend was my cousin Collin, a man a whole 1 year and 5 days older than myself.

Now on to the main course of the story! The cruise was for two weeks, in the Bahamas region. As soon as we got to the boat, Collin noticed a sign that promised a fun night time club for teens. Now there were two issues here: First, it was 9th grade and up. Second, we knew there was no possible chance our parents would let us if we told them. Therefore, within the first hour of the cruise, we decided together to create a double lie, first that we were 9th graders and second to our parents that we were going to be out and about doing nothing bad! Cue to the first night, we're dressed our best and enter the club to music and what feels like smoke. I say that because what happens next can only fit the reality of a Rom-Com. As we enter, both of our eyes lock on the same singular thing: a tall dirty blonde, in daisy dukes, with a teal Abercrombie polo that is way too tight to be anything but on purpose, dancing like no one before. Colin and I immediately turned to each other and in a way that only we could do, we understood what the other was thinking - "The game is on". We would both vie for the attention of this pretty goddess, may the better man win.

Collin went first, he was a the braver of us, though similar to myself, he had no idea what he was doing. And then it was my turn. I chalk it up to my puppy-dog cuteness at the time, but somehow I won out, and I found myself dancing (read dry humping) for what felt like forever. In the midst of this zoning out though, Emily as she was called grabbed my face, and planted one hell of a kiss on my lips. BAM! Just like that my first kiss, but Emily wanted more. She grabbed my hand, led me to a booth in the corner, and gave me the 101 on making out. God help me I had no idea what I was doing, why there was a tongue in my mouth that wasn't mine (felt like the Shel Silverstein poem too many kids in the tub), and I was in for the ride. We made out for also what felt like forever. By the time I looked up, Collin and most of the teens were vacating and going home. Emily had other plans. She asked me with her sparkly eyes if I wanted something to drink, took my hand and led me out of the club. If you haven't been on a cruise, there are like 20 bar stations to keep people plastered. Emily had found one that served kids. So just like that, I'm down my first drink, and boy did I not down that one like a champ. Emily thought it was cute and giggled the whole time though as she guided me to none other than her room.

Imagine the thoughts running through little Ryan's head then and there as he found himself in the room of this older, beautiful girl and had absolutely no fucking clue what he was doing. But Emily knew, and she was gentle. Right then and there is was a first of everything outside of sex. I scored so many bases, I couldn't begin to count them! At some point the clothes got back on, it was like 2:30, and Emily wanted to get some air on the ship's edge, so off we went. We did that thing, where love birds just walk a few steps, then just break out in a make out session. during one such session, I hear a voice I know well shout out, "RYAN!"

I jumped, turned around, and saw none other than my Grandma Wilson of my mother's side. Now if my parents were Conservative Christians, my grandmother was a zealot, and she did not like what she saw (which was just kissing!). Emily was gone before I even blinked, leaving me there to talk to my grandmother, who had also come out for air as she was sea sick. She quoted scripture at me, told me I was being horrible, but promised not to tell my mother was I was up to as long as I promised to never to anything of the sort again. Of course I agreed, what else could I do? Hell, I didn't know how my mother would react to this. We separated, and I spent a few minutes desperately looking for Emily, but to no avail. One could say I was embarrassed, but that's the understatement of the century.

I woke up the next morning, and went to breakfast. I actually saw Emily there, but she avoided my gaze. Collin and I made it to the teen club that night, only to find that Emily had found another guy to dance with and then some. I was sick to my stomach, and couldn't stay.

Now in hindsight, present me understands the situation. Cruises instill the idea in kids that they should get with as many people as possible. Emily definitely knew Collin and I were underage and underexperienced, and go off on playing with that notion. They she went for the next target, of which there were at least 4 that cruise.

That wasn't how Little Ryan saw it though. He knew for fact that Emily didn't care for him because he was just that: inexperienced. Had I known better what I was doing, instead of fumbling around with my hands, lips, and cock then she would still be interested in me. It killed me on the inside and I was silent on the car ride home, deep in thought. As soon as we got back in Michigan, the first thing I did was go to my room, shut the door, log onto AOL and find as many guides on sex and foreplay as I could. I fondly remember one being called "The Female Orgasm Blackbook" and you better believe I memorized it. Everything, no matter how silly I learned from tying cherry stems to understanding the rhythm of a lady's pleasure, all so that I wouldn't fail again. It created in me a complex that I still have to this day. I get off, when the girl gets off. I live for their pleasure and subsequently die a little inside when I occasionally fail. On the plus side, I do have magic hands now!

As a final note of my story: during the car ride home at a rest stop, my mother came up to me alone and gave me a giant hug, telling me that she had heard I had my first kiss and was extremely proud of me. That bitch of a grandmother fucking told her anyway. Damn!

Told you that was a long one. Stay tuned next post for a fun one.

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Oh shit I forgot to talk about the song! Kaskade and Neon Trees are both people I enjoy, so when they got together, how could I not include it? Now the meaning is a little to on note here, after all I literally did get lessons in love, but just listen to that song.

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-Ryan