She made it clear that there was no chance for us many years ago, even as we became super best friends. By then, I knew the drill, how it goes. I didn't want to pull away from her, I was her ride to work, I'd have felt like a shitty person not picking her up because she wouldn't date me. And her goofy antics were so entertaining and fun and sweet and she was just such a great person to be around, I'd be depriving myself of that too, so I stuck it out until she moved away and I could breathe again. And move on a little bit. Kind of mean to say but I didn't miss her because I was tired of being all heartbroken over her all the time.

She came back to visit recently. We reconnected a few weeks before she came to visit and she started telling me she loved me and saying it with real purpose like the way you'd say it to your partner. I'd say it back. She had to know I must still mean that romantically, maybe she didn't care. But it was so comforting just to be able to have that exchange. She told me how much she missed me and how she was giving me the biggest hug when I got to see her again, I couldn't wait. It wasn't like this with her back in the day, it felt like something had changed.

She was way more affectionate when we met. She even kissed me on the lips on 3 different occasions. I could hug her whenever I wanted and it always seemed to make her so happy. I sang goo goo dolls lyrics into her ear while hugging her close because Iris was playing on the radio and all she did was thank me for coming to the party. If I sound like an overly romantic sap, ok maybe I am a little but also my attachment to this girl is almost entirely emotional. Some of this stuff for me felt like living the dream because I'm not infatuated with her. I just wanted to feel close to her, I wanted to feel loved. And I really did. It was amazing.

Eventually she dumped some cold water on it all when I asked. I told her "Some of these moments we shared felt very romantic to me, but you seemed like you also really just missed your friends" and she confirmed that somehow none of the kissing she initiated was meant to be romantic, just really enthusiastic happiness to be around me. I know she also has a bf. He is in jail for another year and a half but she insists she still loves him. Neither here nor there but her official story is she is not single, she still loves him and wants to give him another chance. That is what she told me, but it also sounded an awful lot in her tone that she doesn't think I'm her future bf regardless of what happens with that.

She has gone back home. And I have struggled greatly with this. On the one hand, some of these recent memories with her are still euphoric to me. I felt as close to her as I ever did. I felt loved, and that made me really happy. But I'm also really depressed she still can't see me as anything more, when I was convinced that what was happening was the lines were finally being blurred and us dating was at least a future possibility. And it further depresses me that I continue to go through this yet again as I have throughout my life, only being good enough to be the friend. I'm 39, having the same problem in life I had at 13. And it may never get better. And these thoughts are my demons that I have to face yet again. It brings me to a very dark place. Other times, a very happy place. All in all, it's a mess.

For a little while there, I thought maybe being close with her would be ok because now she would always make me feel loved even if she didn't actually want a relationship. But yet it still is a bittersweet roller coaster ride of emotions dealing with that. But it makes me wonder if others here have been in a situation where being in someone's friendzone seemed kinda nice like you were still having your romantic needs met a little bit. Some of you maybe turned your friend into an FWB but not a partner or other variations like mine? How do you manage that?