In 2008 I started work at a new company in my mid-20s. I started giving this girl a ride to work everyday because she lived near me, didn't have a car, and her energy and humor made her a joy to keep company with. Also she was cute. Not gorgeous, more like sneaky cute. And when she laughed and smiled it lit up the room. She was free-spirited and adventurous. Kind of your textbook manic pixie dream girl personality type (which I didn't realize was a thing until after I had fallen for her but once I discovered, seemed to fit her like a glove) She was humble and self-deprecating enough that some of her jokes made fun of the idea of her being sexy, as if it was ridiculous, even though she actually was quite pretty. And she was so non judgmental and accepting of me, I made her laugh easily, I connected with her when I had few friends and struggled to earn the respect of my aggressive sales-pitch male coworkers (we worked at a telemarketing place and only the strong survive). She had a bf at first. I fell in love with her but kinda knew a) she had a bf and b) she kind of let me know she didn't feel anything for me when I admitted. She still cared about me a lot and she still felt bad, and I felt like we both did a good job communicating how we felt without it getting weird. It was just disheartening.

I continued to give her rides. Eventually her and her bf broke up, but then she started dating a coworker immediately after. That hurt, maybe I should have stopped giving her rides then. Sometimes I had to drive them both to work and both home. That was grueling. Sometimes I'd hang out with her, other times I'd hang with her and him and her girl best friend and this increasingly growing group, and still managed to have some good times in spite of the unrequited love. I'd occasionally, rarely talk to her about my feelings. The only time I'd ever feel any relief from the pain was when I'd get a hug goodnight after dropping her off. That was like getting Sonic to breathe in a water bubble in Labyrinth Zone. You're still underwater, you're still drowning, but it buys you a brief minute of relief. I got deeply emotionally attached to her with no outlet for it. I drove her around roughly through most of 2009-2010 and hung out with her frequently. She cared about me enough to always want to hang out. Sometimes I'd flake out just because I knew it was bittersweet, other times I'd go and it always felt like an interesting adventure with her. But then there would be that moment she said or did something adorable and I badly just wanted to pull her close to me, hug her or kiss her and I couldn't do that. I wasn't the boyfriend, I was the friend. I had to keep all that to myself.

In 2012, she moved several states away. I missed her but it was a relief too. I could stop putting so much of my energy towards thinking about her. I'd keep in touch on facebook but she was in my past now. I gradually moved on. I think I saw her once a year later when she came to visit, she was at this party. I was worried how it would feel to see her but I got lucky. She missed some of us so much she would just spontaneously hug me (and others) at random intervals. She would apologize over it and I would tell her no this is exactly what I needed. It was kind of nice. Then I didn't see her again for a decade.

2 weeks ago, she returned to visit again. By now she still lived 2 time zones away in a desert area, she has 3 kids, 1 from her current bf (locked up for another year and a half) and 1 from each of her last 2 exes. Common sense says this is not a future path that I want. And she still wants to give the locked up bf one last chance even though he did some crazy shit. She's a mess, but she's still a sweetheart. And over text before we got to meet again, she started telling me she loved me. Regularly. I would say it back. It felt really special, but I was trying to gauge if she really meant it romantically or as a friend. But it dawned on me that when we meet, she might again be extra affectionate with me.

For a week and a half, she either flaked out on plans or ignored my calls or texts the day we agreed to plans. It got frustrating, but finally we did connect on plans and I was able to come to the house of her female friend she was staying at and hang out with her and her friend for several hours. When I did, things were different. I got an extra long hug upon seeing her, I got to spend alone time with her on their back porch at night. She admitted to me how the desert makes her so depressed, how she misses it here but can't afford to move back, how lonely and isolated she feels raising her kids without anyone else. She started crying. I put my arms around her and we hugged. I went for the eye contact. I always believe if you hug someone, then get the eye contact while still in the embrace, that's when you can make the kiss happen. So I tried this and sure enough she kissed me right on the lips. But it wasn't slow and sensual. It was like a quick little "I missed you so much" kinda thing but it was still a kiss on the lips. And she seemed to make sure that it did not turn into a make-out session.

We had some good heart to heart talks about life and what we had been through. I showed her some of my Switch games she had wanted to see and helped her beat some levels. When it was time for me to go, she walked me out to the front porch where we talked some more. Again during another long hug, she kissed me on the lips. I asked her point blank with a smile, "Is that a platonic kiss on the lips?" She said yes and seemed ashamed and lowered her head as if to say 'I guess I should stop doing that, huh' then she said she still had a boyfriend. But it still seemed very strange she could be that affectionate with me, kiss me on the lips twice and not feel some romantic impulse for me. I thought maybe she was just trying not to cheat at least under her own set of rules.

There was also a party at this same house a few days later, and my longtime crush was pleading with me to promise to go to this party, she needed me to be there. She also said I could be her drinking buddy and that we could sleep over together. I decided to dial it up a notch. "Maybe we could cuddle up together on the same bed" and she liked that idea! Now I was all excited. Even if this didn't lead to sex or making out, I would have been happy holding her close and falling asleep with her. But I also didn't want to rule out the possibility that we might have sex. Who would agree to such a thing with a platonic friend?

I met her at the party and more of the same overly affectionate exchanges, I love you's, long hugs and another kiss on the lips. At one point I came up behind her and put my arms around her waist. She turned around to see who it was and when she saw it was me, she immediately turned around to hug me proper. Another time Iris by Goo Goo Dolls was playing and I hugged her at just the right time in the song so I could sing in her ear "I just want you to know who I am". All of these seemed to warm her heart and get an 'awww I missed you' out of her. Then I noticed a few other close friends of hers (these were all female friends) where she was also overly affectionate and emotional with them too. And telling them the same story about how the desert makes her depressed. And it started to click with me that maybe all the green light signs she was giving me just meant her depression was causing her to want to cling tightly to everyone as much as possible and that the old guy friend who was still in love with her just happened to be giving her exactly what she needed, even if she still wasn't in love back.

We did not end up cuddling up together as she went and passed out in the room before I knew where she had even gone. I left kind of upset instead of sleeping over but had to admit I still had a good time. Today was the day after. She called me upset over something last night. Someone else at the party had apparently tried to lock her in the room and, well, climb on top of her after she passed out and it was the boyfriend of her friend whose house she was staying in. This attempt was not successful as she fought him off but it still really shook her up. Shit had gone down right after I left, and now she was in the house alone with him, it was really awkward. I offered to pick her up and take her somewhere and she thanked me. We went to a diner. She told me I rescued her. She recapped the whole ordeal to me over fries and turkey melts. We changed the subject a few times to get her mind off it a little. And also the fact that in a few days she would have to go back and that was still depressing her too. As I drove her back to her friend's place once it became safe to, I decided I had to ask her this.

"Some of the moments we had the other day, to me they felt very romantic. But I wasn't sure if for you it was just 'I really miss my friend'. Am I crazy here or what?" And she admitted she didn't see any of our exchanges in a romantic light. That she still loved her bf and that she still saw me as a very good friend. When I said goodbye to her again, I got the same long hugs, the same 'I love you's. Any amount of affection I could give her, she was willing to match it and one-up it, and yet this whole time in her mind it was all platonic. Hard for me to fathom wanting to be that close to someone just as a friend. But I do take some comfort in knowing I could be this close, this affectionate and matter this much to someone I loved.

I told my brother at one point how this was playing out and his reaction was comical. "I have a lot of female friends. Getting a kiss on the lips when they just want to be friends, it's not that it's rare, it's that it never happens." He believed she had to have romantic feelings for me and refused to tell me. But my crush can be a little ditzy, free-spirited and scatterbrained sometimes and I wouldn't put it past her that she was actually telling me the truth.

I know the long term path of dating a woman with 3 of someone else's kids is far less than ideal and for that reason, I'm sure I will get over us not being a thing especially as she will be going home in a few days. Just wanted to share my odd story about how far out the boundaries of the friendzone can sometimes be stretched.