I've been fortunate the past few years to not be affected too much by the friendzone and not keep people in my life who put me there. But it wasn't always that way. And in some cases I feel it's sort of justified.

Way back in 2008-2012 I became very close friends with a coworker who was basically the personality of a real life manic pixie dream girl. I know everybody hates that trope now because people believe she only exists for the guy which really doesn't have to be the case and I think is just salty people projecting their own frustrations with society. Anyways, I just think this girl has that adorable, unique quirky personality that's easy to fall in love with and brings you into this very intimate space in a friendship very quickly while totally not being into me like that.

I used to give her rides to work because we lived close by and she didn't have a car and I had a hunch she would be so much fun to be around. And I was right. Her goofiness and offbeat energy and various voices left me never bored, and brought me out of my shell somewhat. Cause I was feeling down about myself and probably was the brooding quiet guy in some of those types of movies. We had the talk about how I felt about her and it was clear she didn't ever want anything to happen, and I decided I wanted her in my life as a friend because of how much I enjoyed her company. But the longer our driving arrangement went on and the longer we continued to hang out after work too, the more emotionally attached to her I got. The more songs on the radio and the movies I watched started reminding me of her. The more bittersweet our time together, and our time apart got. It really started destroying me inside and I knew she really deeply cared about me and hated herself for knowing I had this unrequited love for her. She has the best of intentions for me and I couldn't hold any of this pain against her, it was just a shame it was so hard for me to just simply enjoy my time with her.

Then around 2012-2013, she moved away across the country. She still lives there. She's had a few different serious boyfriends, had a few kids, her whole life is there, we've kept in touch through social media but only like occasional checkups. And her leaving did me a lot of good, helped me move on from the pain of being around her and not being able to hold her close or connect with her on a romantic level. The bitter always seemed to build up to where it surpassed the sweet, through no fault of hers. Since then, I haven't found a relationship, I did sort of find someone I loved who I got to be with, who said she loved me. It was a lie, she didn't really, she neglected me badly but I was grateful to even experience the little crumbs she gave me. At least now I know what it feels like to feel like the one I love loves me. And I'm not desperately craving that so much. But the search for that next partner still often feels hopeless and I still wonder if I will end up alone.

Well, that old friend/love interest of mine who moved away is back nearby now for 2 weeks, intent on visiting everybody. I was initially so excited to see her again. Tomorrow I will go see her. But as it's started to sink in, those old butterflies are coming back. My mind is again starting to cook up abstract scenarios where suddenly she likes me and now we're kissing and she's telling me she sees me different now. And I know it's fantasy bullshit but I can't stop those thoughts. And when I try to stop those thoughts and I have to tell myself she doesn't want me, it's depressing. Depression mixed with the sad nervous butterflies. Now it's dawning on me, this is going to be a challenging visit for me to keep it together. I am going to be happy to see her goofy humor again and stuff but those feelings I had for her a decade and a half ago. I buried them but they are back now that she is back.

And I think it's these things that are the reason why this sub is filled with the prevailing message of "just move on, bro". Even when we care, when we want the person in our lives, when it's not just friendship as a front for wanting to get laid as so many cynical people have put it, our own mind torments us and pulls us back into that vague hope of something happening and it becomes a cycle of demoralizing pain.

I plan to stick it out and see her and be her friend for the next 2 weeks, this may not happen again for a while. She is a special person just to be around and spend time with. But I figure it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Wish me luck.