Not expecting anyone to read this, I just need to get it all out, I hate constantly bringing this up to my friends and family, they don’t really care… but yeah its a long story…

I (fem/androgynous 27m) met a nerdy, gamer, tech boy(24m) on bumble in early May 2022, we hit it off pretty well i felt, we went on quite a few dates before we did anything physical (took about a month). After about our 2nd or 3rd time getting physically intimate he has the “talk” with me.

He asks me what I am expecting out of this situation, i told him i liked how things were going and don’t mind seeing how they continue to go.

He responded with saying he didn’t want to “play house” and that he didn’t want a relationship, i don’t remember him telling me his reasonings why, whether it was because he wasn’t ready, or because he wasn’t into me or something..

He made it really clear that he really wants to keep me in his life.

At this point I had some feelings for him, but wasn’t nessicarily ready for a relationship at that exact moment either, I also wanted to keep him in my life so i suggested a Fwb situation which he agreed to.

But even after this we were texting almost regularly, sending random selfies and what not.

We tried for the fwb situation for about month or two, and It was working out for a little bit, until i began to notice i was only one initiating anything physical with him.

He’s just want to hang out and I’d be hoping and expecting something physical (since we were fwb). I ended up more confused and insecure when he would decline my advance.

Around June/July I bring it up to him, told him i was insecure always being the one to initiate he replied with saying he understands, and that he was once in a similar situation before where he was the one to always initiate. That made me feel worse honestly..

There is someone out there he was turned on enough to actively trying to be with but not me, even when I’m the one basically asking for sex, and even suggested bjs while he plays video games, that he would jokingly decline and play it off like i was being a “too bad ” . I had to tell him i wanted to be just friends, so I’m not insecure he mentions how he’d still like to be able to “make out” and stuff, but i had to set boundaries that friends do not do that. He agreed to that.. But at this point my feelings for him had gotten greater, we had spent a good amount of time together and I was noticing I was liking him more. There were times id let my insecurities get the best of me, at one point I left his place early because I was getting mixed signals, he was cooking for me and being super sweet but didn’t want to get intimate with me, I felt hurt and confused as to why were even fwb if we weren’t gonna do the benefits part (which I only wanted because it was my chance to be as close to him as I possibly could be) which is why I felt it was best to just be friends for now even tho I still had feelings for him, at least the sex situation wouldnt confuse or make me more insecure.

Fast forward a couple weeks/months of trying to be friends. I can hold myself back from being physical , but it it’s hard for me to not show I’m interested, I just let loose around him and let my feminine side out, he would make me happy and id just want to make him happy, but around late august i noticed he was becoming a bit distance, hardly replying to my messages and pictures id send, he ended up basically ghosting me(only replied like 2-3 times during that period till early October. During this time, I tried to talking to other people, which I would end up talking about this boy to them instead.. with the time apart I was realizing how much I had fallen for him.

Around October 16th, I was working near his place, I hit him up and he happily agreed to meet up and catch up, he almost immediately hits me with a ” I’m not looking to date” i was confused and saddened as to why this was the first thing he was mentioning to me after not seeing each other for about a month, but I played it off cool.

I texted him later to clarify, He mentioned that he was worried i was still wanting a relationship from him.(which i did) so he felt he needed to be silent for a bit. I was dumb and selfish, told him i did not, and that i had already come to terms with being just friends a while back when we ended the fwb. when i reality, I really wasn’t, I wanted to be affectionate with him and more.. I should have told him the truth, and let things end there and then.. he was open and communicative and I lied to keep him in my life…

After that we started to get close again, hanging out again, texting regularly, going to concerts, museums, bars, cooking and watching Netflix at his place, the energy felt like we were already in a relationship minus the intimate stuff.

Fast forward to late December , we go Christmas shopping for his family, we go to the mall, share pretzels and food, we go back to his place, I help wrap all his presents.

He was gonna visit his family during the holidays so he asked me if i could watch his cat for a day or two, which i agreed to, I even organized his fridge.

The day after he left he invited me to come down and have dinner and a party with his family and hometown friends.

I agreed hoping he’d see how well i fit in and maybe he’d change his mind about us.

He ended up having to cancel the dinner the first night, but I was still able to make it to the party the following night.

He picked me up from the train station 20 min away, I had a really good time, I met his family and childhood friends, which he even them told we met on bumble.

But the whole time i was dying for a Christmas miracle and for him to kiss me or confess his care for me.

But that never happened, his mom even invited me to stay the night but i felt hesitant since i had not prepared, I had also hoped that he would asked me beforehand by asking his mom after she invited me so i could have prepared, but he had expected me to go back home (which takes like 2 hours).

I can only assume he didn’t think his mom would have allowed it but still could have tried to convincer her especially knowing I was traveling quite a distance to see them.

Once I got home, I had really thought about our situation and I realized how much that I really like him and how much it will hurt once he starts talking to or seeing someone else. I want more than just a friendship even if not at this very instant, but just know it’s actually going somewhere and I can show my affection, and I’m not just being strung along until he finds someone else.

I texted him on the 28th of December , confessing my feelings for him, and telling him I cant be “just friends” If a relationship isn’t a possibility in the future. Explaining How things don’t need to change, just to be able to be more than just friends. i guess you can label it an ultimatum, but i felt i was just letting him know how i felt and laying down boundaries so I don’t keep feeling hurt, but it’s currently 3 am on 4th of January and i have yet to hear back from him, and have come to terms I never will again…

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him, he has been the only guy to treat me the way I’ve wanted, we click in pretty much every way, we accept each others flaws, and he felt genuine. And Id even say he is pretty decent with communication, he had expressed his expectations of our relationship yet I was the one to lie to keep him in my life by pretending just being friends was good enough for me, and that I had accepted the fact he didn’t want to date when that wasn’t the case at all..

The pain I feel now is my own doing, I let him believe I was ok with a friendship that in reality I didn’t want, I wanted to hold on until he realized how I good I was for him, and how much time we’ve spent together and how were special to one another and not just someone passing thru our life for a bit, but I fucked up and now I will never even be able to see him ever again..

Its still recent tho, I’m giving myself time to grieve, and hope I will be able to get over him eventually, even tho I wasn’t able to get fully over my ex who died about 6 years ago until I finally met this guy who showed me something I never knew I could have, something authentic and real and not toxic, and we were never in a technical “relationship” it felt that he was the person I’ve been waiting for all this time, and now im sad after almost a year of knowing me, they still don’t want me.

If you actually read this, thank you.. I don’t think I can do anything to “save” this situationship, but if anyone has had any similar experiences id love to hear it, whether you never saw the person again, or if they tried coming back after a while?