I Believe my friend is using me. This friend named David (not his real name) has been in my life for 2 years now. It has become increasingly complex and stressful for both of us. He says he doesn’t want to end our friendship but his behavior doesn’t show that he does want to keep it. With this statement I would like advice on:Is the conclusion I’m coming to a sound conclusion?What should we do next?

Backstory

David is in his 40s and I’m in my 30s. David and I began hanging out 1:1 and mostly talked, watched TV, and drank/smoked at night. My initial perception was that David was always trying to “entertain” by telling a joke, sharing his past stories of the things he did with friends or telling me about the women he slept with and his tactics for getting them. I always had a slight feeling of awkwardness and sometimes a bit of curiosity because it seemed like it he tried really hard. There were moments where I would ask questions to better understand his why behind some of things he would do or where I felt his behaviors wouldn’t line up with what he says. (i.e. He would say he doesn’t like conflict and wants positive vibes, but would gladly engage in a debate/strong discussion on controversial topics with whomever was around.)

Overtime, our hangouts became more of “talk therapy” sessions (he would openly tell his wife I was his therapist) that would go late into the night/early mornings. This is where I would start to get to know the person behind the persona. This also allowed for me to open up more and we began to get pretty close. We would do birthdays, holidays, and random personal success celebrations together with his wife as well.In latter 2022, I lost my job and he began to hang around more. Later I found out he had been having some troubles at home with his wife, which is why he would hang around me alot. There was a point in which he stayed with me for a little over a week, although I didn’t at first realize that he was intentionally needing a place to stay. He explained they were on the rocks and they both needed space. I’m one of those people that is happy to lend a hand to others because I would hope I would receive that if I needed.As we rolled into 2023, things start to shift. We shared some information about each other that I believe may have changed the dynamic and behaviors began to change. We begin having disagreements and fights. I started to learn about avoidant behaviors and at first did not handle it well. I also began to see that David was a person that is not aware of actions he does that had an unintended negative impact on others.

David would do the normal things some people do to avoid conflict or negative interactions like say they were doing something or are somewhere (maybe they were doing that at one point or was at that place before) but were not currently. I started to notice those same behaviors towards me. He would say he would be somewhere in 10 minutes and 40 minutes later I find out he has not even left, something else came up, or something else that prevented him from honoring his word. Now, I’m not unreasonable and I understand those things can happen. However, I began to see the consistency.

To keep this short, we began to have more and more arguments from February on. Some were smaller, some were pretty intense. These arguments were centered around my growing lack of trust in David and what he would tell me. In the summer time, I started to tell him we need to end our friendship, generally out of anger. The first time I said that he got very very upset. He said that he never wants to lose friends as it is one of the worse things that could happen. I don’t want to lose friends either, especially ones I’ve gotten close to. However, that did not stop me from saying I wanted to end our friendship multiple times.

Currently, I’ve let him stay with me for a bit (marriage is ending), but it got tough due to our clashing and my lack of trust in him. He tells me that the behaviors I see and the words I hear him say are not happening and that I have narrative that is untrue about him. I documented multiple occurrences of his unwarranted negative behavior, but since he has only admitted to two of those, the rest are untrue and not based in fact. I feel like I know what he does because I’ve displayed similar behavior with similar internal fears that he has shared with me in the past. But he always claims it is not the case and that I’m projecting.In a calm and clear headed state, I asked that we separate for a month or two and meet up and see how we feel so we both can take time to process, heal, and grow. He took that as a personal attack on him because I know he doesn’t like that I suggest ending the friendship. I explained it’s not to end it but to try to help it survive long-term. I would prefer the friendship doesn’t end from a highly negative event and that we make the choice intentionally and maturely. He disagreed.Here’s where I am. After all these things, he consistently says the following:He wants us to be friends.

He wants to be a better friend and help to regain my trust in certain aspects.He wants to help himself be better.He doesn’t want us to argue or have these issues.

Here’s the behavior:

• He does not make time for our friendship. Because he stays here, he believes he hangs out with me the most, but actually he tends to always fill his time with his hobbies when he is here.
• He will create time for other people. He will tell me that he needs to meet a friend to help them with something, while we have not resolved the issue at hand of our friendship.
• He will create lists of things to do, that are not time-sensitive, and say they must be done immediately.
• The efforts I have put in place to help our communication are not being looked at or used. I’ve written out exercises we could do to help with trust that he didn’t read for over 4 months.
• He will preemptively have his guard up and respond defensively to me when I express something from a place of vulnerability. This has happened twice in the 6 weeks. I don’t quite understand after all this craziness and his distrust in me why continue to say he wants to be friends.

My Conclusion

Based on his words, he wants to be my friend and work things out. Based on his behavior, he does not. So why is he sticking around? I believe I’m a safe fallback for him in this rocky time in his life. He feels he can’t stay with many other people b/c they are married/has kids. Since we have had some good times and I’m pretty open so he can do what he wants, he wants to keep me around. But if he had a better option, he would be gone already. Ultimately I’m being used and he doesn’t want anyone to have a negative view of him.

Questions

1. Does my conclusion fit the narrative?
2. Are there other conclusions that can be derived from this?
3. What should we do next?

Other Context (read if you want)Behaviors I See•

• When I asked about something or his intent, he will say one thing and then say he didn’t mean that and meant something else.• He will take words or phrases and claim the meaning is different than what is universally accepted. For example, I mentioned he put his earbuds in abruptly after we spent the last 30 min looking at something on his phone. I mentioned it. He says he always has his earbuds in when we hang out. I try to correct him and he says that “always” doesn’t mean 100% of the time so he wasn’t lying about that.
• He will, from my perception, and point it toward him, cover it up, or hold it with both hands in a way to fully cover the screen. I ask about it, because it’s odd to me, he says he not doing anything and he’s not trying to cover his phone.• I will ask him a question and he will, from my perception, ignore me completely. I will be sitting next to him and he will say he wasn’t ignoring me. I catch him and he will say he didn’t realize I was speaking.
• I told him it feels like he ignores my texts sometimes. He says he would never intentionally ignore my text. He said he’s made a special ringtone for myself and his wife to make sure. Nothing changes. Now it’s that the text don’t come through or he will draft a text and forget to hit send.
• I’ve told him that I don’t believe he is being honest with me at times. I know this because he will lie to others in front of me, ignore others in front of me, and he says that he doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings so sometimes he won’t say anything or say something not 100% true. But he’s not a liar. He will then me that he is never intentionally lying to me and that he tells me more than anyone ever. He says he always intend to tell me the truth. I explain that saying “I intend to tell the truth” seems like you are leaving a loophole for you to lie.