Honestly though, I am not ugly. I am not materialistic. However, I do have low self esteem and I never liked it when people compliment my looks. Which is kind of stupid because it's what people first see and judge.

I lived in a society and environment wherein the outer appearance is highly valued, including spending on new clothes, shoes, accessories and more often than not a trip to the salon. I cannot count how many times they told me or suggested on me to have a keratin or rebond to tame my flyaways. And for me to wear contacts instead of glasses so people can see more of my eyes.

Lastly, they think I am too picky since I do not want to date people from work. You see, I do tend to intimidate people to see if they can ride on my jokes however I was told I scare men away. Somehow, it kinda is my defense mechanism because I was preventing myself to date in my teens because of my responsibilities as an older sibling (Filipinos can relate lol). That and having a broken family lead to poor decisions on meeting men, and my guard went even higher while still being not the ideal wife material type that good men want and they eventually cannot take it and leave at their own will.

P.S. I was just with my friends the other day together with their toddlers. I scolded like I am the parent on the ipad kids. Having lots of siblings made me the auntie/mother type and not the partner type apparently even 10 years back. Now I am literally that age.