Hiii :]

I recently got diagnosed a few days ago with mild aw-yeah-tism. I've noticed I've had troubled connecting with people in the past because I'm not always good at communicating what I need or being able to connect with people, especially pretty women lol. Yet, I really do want to feel a connection with someone romantically. I'm definitely not for everybody. I am cold, blunt, misanthropic, amoral, greedy, and selfish. But with people I care about, I want to be more caring, cute, affectionate, vulnerable, girly, and silly. I'm looking for someone who is open to alternative interests such as style, music, viewpoints, and even 👉👌(you're probably moreso gonna be the one on the left btw).

I am bisexual with a fluctuating sexuality, but usually I exclusively prefer women. Most/all of the time I am heteromantic but maybe I'm aromantic when I feel gay? Idk lol.

I'm not sure what type of relationship structure I want, but I had some struggles with monogamy in the past.

My goals in life are I want to own my own business, I want to make a very very messed up adult game/book, I want to have some kind of philosophical contribution to the world, I want to have kids, and I want to share my life with at least one person.

I'm looking for someone creative, kind but very honest when it's needed, very good at listening, someone who doesn't make a big deal of politics (or at least doesn't mind me wanting to be a griller in general lol), very affectionate, good at communication, good at leading the pace of the relationship, and smert. I want someone who can soothe me when I'm overwhelmed, but not someone who will enable me or cross their own boundaries if I screw up. For health reasons, I also would prefer someone who's at a healthy weight and/or bmi, but people on a weight gain/loss journey is ok too! I just overcame my obesity like a week ago myself! Also, I'm looking for someone with a face that I like, and it's hard to say what I like exactly so uh... I'll just leave it at goth/asian lol. Generally alt or a wide variety of styles is ok too as well as multiracial people and non-asian people. I usually prefer those tho. Also, I'd prefer a non-drug-user, again, for health reasons. And last of all, I'd like you to have a voice that I'm attracted to, and I'm attracted to a lot of different kinds so I won't know until I hear it lol. Just like with someone's face, I can't tell if I'll like someone's voice until I hear it.

I'm 5'9", 200lbs (used to be 250lbs!), large frame, pale white, glasses, dark blue stoner (but actually sober lol) eyes, wide nose, small lips, long brown hair, small beard and mustache (I can lose it if you want), broad shoulders, large calves, and wide short feet. Here's a random fact but I have a lot of moles too lol. I have a very quiet, monotone, and cute voice too as I've been told many times. I'm creative, kind, and smert when I want to be. My hobbies are probably pretty fitting for this subreddit lol. I uh... enjoy myself a lot, watch youtube, browse the internet and uh that's been it as of recently tbh. I would like to go out with a partner and watch horror or movies, tv shows, and anime with someone. Maybe read some books but idk man lol. I don't watch that stuff on my own because it's hard for me to focus, but I've been putting off on watching that stuff so I can do it with a partner. I have seen not a lot, and it might surprise you. Also, my style is very plain right now, but I've very slowly been getting more alt ig especially with my long hair lol. I'm open to you changing my wardrobe if that's your thing. I liked the grunge look, but I never went anywhere with it. For music I like dark trap type of stuff (think like screamo/metal hiphop kind of) or similar stuff like Grim Salvo, Oni Inc, SHUSH, 7xvn, Kamaara, do not ressurect, gizmo, Warlord Colossus, BVDLVD, istasha, kxllswxtch, and other genres like twenty one pilots, nirvana, babymetal, Avenged Sevenfold, logic, Eminem, sickick, s3rl, artificial construct, system of a down, linkin park, awolnation, ghost, various phonk artists, various electro swing artists, and probably more lol. I've also been curious about tool, burzum, kill dyll, pranav.wav, death grips, and jpegmafia.

Idk what else to say lol so here's a poem about a big fear of mine: death.

Death has no voice

It is the dead that have so much to tell. But no one to tell it. All the living would listen, yet nothing dead has the natural right to free speech? This is hypocrisy of the living: for one rotted out right to pollute the other. That is not natural (to human life), but it also is for decay is a real natural detail of death. All death knows this all too well, and corpses shake their heads without shaking their heads in the ignorance of life. The dead are voiceless. But it's not the human chains for why dead matter is voiceless. …It is muscles with no movement, arteries with no flow, and, presumably, mind with no think. For what is a mind without the ability to think? Is it still a mind if it can not identify itself as so in death? …If a living mind told the tale of death, like a vassal of life, then the tale would be false for we can not truly understand. We are not dead. The bridge has not been crossed and burned. I tell no tales, I observe. ...There is at least one vassal of death but even they cannot speak to the living. A vassal would be like a dead philosopher, more knowing than a live one until maybe time would physically rot the brain. ...Death has no voice because the mouth decays. One day, hopefully far, my mouth will decay like the others. But I speak like I am dead: not at all. I only write. ...I have no mouth and I must decay.

Here's one about my thoughts on truth and seeking it.

Truth as a goal yearned

Truth is believed to be sought after when one “seeks” truth. Yet, their brain and desires are not one of truth in a matter of substance. Does truth seek itself? And how can one know such a thing without becoming said thing. Hence, understanding it. And once, you understand it, you have already foregone the seeking. Unless you hadn't needed to define it as such, but “truth,” whatever we refer to it as, has a substance, and that substance is is or is isn't the human that seeks it. What the human seeks is a model of truth. A crude mockery of its ontological essence. A part lost here. A part there. Hence, don't lie to yourself when you seek truth, because in then, you become a corruption of what could be the truth, unless, otherwise, we have decided that that is truly you. Spare me the objections!

And uh... here's a last one about something... haha... figure it out if you can :P

The Taking Tree

Tree is hers and hers alone Burned with fate tree must atone Scars are sweet and leaves have grown New Year's mate had grown to groan

Ashes on her tree with glee Ash is not the tree was he May pull cutely from her sheath Maple, beauty, it is she

Carved is her above the knot Two initials in a heart Centered on the lump so well Artist from the depths of hell

Maple leaking from the gore Tree of good and now a whore Blushes on the leave of Autumn Hushes from the Eve from Adam

I wrote these a while ago, but yeah... lol there they are. Hey even if we don't click I hope you enjoyed reading and find your person sooner rather than later :)

Stay frosty (or something lol?) ~