Hope it's okay to post this here. This is making me very depress and giving me severe anxiety.

So a year ago I used to work online then I got really along with one of the guy I've worked with, after our shift we always talk about stuff (this is pure online chat since I worked in a foreign company) the thing is he doesn't know what I looked like, I never put a picture on my profile because I'm a ugly shit, he keeps asking for my picture and I was scared he might find me ugly because I am really uggggly! What I did was send him a picture of me that was a year old, that's the only picture of me where you could recognize me as a human being, I took that pic in a perfect lighting and with my best angle lol, so I treasure that pic with all my life and use it for emergency situations like this. Oh and I also send him another pic of me it was a doggy snapchat filter.

Ff I quit the company and we stopped talking too. Yesterday, he reached out to me again and I was really happy that time lol, we talk again and he kept asking me questions like 'how tall are you?' 'Did you gain wait?' I answered his questions, then next thing I almost had a heart attack when he said 'I look up your facebook but I couldn't find you anywhere, but I see people tagging a girl who looks like you, is that you? (I have different fb name because I work online a lot and I don't want people searching me up) After reading that I just broke down and cried, I was scared he would call me ugly, I just replied to him 'no, I don't have facebook' the photo that I sent him was me skinny after a few years in college I gain a significant amount of weight.

Now I'm really depress, sad, anxious and it's giving me suicidal thoughts, it was like highschool back again that I was bullied and made fun of.

This were some of my experiences in highschool.

1. A classmate gave me a guy's number. He and I got along thru text and when he we meet up, he run away lol.

2. Chatted someone on facebook back then with my anime pics, he was from another school. he said he likes me , I was fun to talk to bla bla bla then he wants to know me and I said I'm ugly, he said he doesn't care but after knowing what I look like he became so rude to me and said very hurtful words (remembering this still hurts)

3. Just like #1 this guy and I texted for years, played games online, he didn't know what I look like and I'm always scared if he ever knew, then he just found out what I look like he said he doesn't have problems about my physical appearance, I was genuinely happy, I thought this guy would accept me, after a few days when we're texting he seems to lost interest and I found out he confessed his feelings to my only friend (I introduce her to him days after he discovered what I look like lmao)

I have also experience where I was introduced by my friend to someone and after that, the guy ignored me the whole time we were hanging out.

This was all my experiences through out my highschool, then I entered college as a very ugly, shy, awkward girl that never dated, never ask another guy again and always scared with guys in real life. Just expressing how I feel, in real life I don't have anyone I talked to, I don't have friends anymore, I'm basically in my room all day working online with no one to interact with.