Man I’m so damned confused now. I don’t know what I want but at the same time I do. I don’t want to be alone and I want to both love and be loved by someone, but at the same time I just want to be alone and not have anyone worry about me. I want to go just and be with others but I get so scared when I do and just want to go back to my dorm as soon as I’m out. I’m so tired of hearing “you just have to put yourself out there” and that “someone will come along, and they’ll be the one you love.” Every time I get my damned heart torn out and stomped on and I find it difficult to bother anymore. Why should I keep putting myself out there when it makes me feel like shit and I just want to lock myself away.

I feel horrid about talking to friends about my problems because in the grand scheme of things, I’ve had an easy life. I grew up in a house with two loving parents who are well off and I’m going to a really nice college, I’ve had animals my whole life, I have friends who at least pretend to give a damn and who clearly had much more challenging lives than I did. So I don’t feel like I deserve to feel bad, I don’t deserve the help when there are so many others who’ve had it worse off and are going along without it. I feel so damned ungrateful all the time because of it. So I want to talk to a friend about it, but I don’t think I deserve their help because I’ve had it so good. I just want to reach out to someone and talk and just be able to break down when I’m not alone and can be comforted. I only do this when I’m drunk and I feel like shit the following day. I’ve been told to see an actual counselor for my issues but I’ve tried therapy before and I just don’t find it to be helpful.

Is it wrong to want to reach out to a friend and have them listen and care? I’m always worried that the only reason I want to talk to someone I know is because deep down I think the only way they’ll keep me around is out of pity. I don’t want to be pitied, but I’m worried that it’s an ulterior motive that I may want to suppress but one that affects how I act nonetheless. I don’t want that to be the only reason they stay around me, but I feel deep down like thats it.

I don’t know if it’s ok to want someone else that I actually know and who actually knows me to be able to talk to my issues about, or if I’m just being selfish. I don’t want to bother anyone, but at the same time I don’t want things to be as they are now. My friends say they care about me but then when I reach out I either get ignored or we just hang out in a group setting for a while where I don’t feel comfortable talking and just want to leave. Is it wrong of me to want someone to just listen for a bit and just to give a shit? I want to say that I should have someone like that, but I don’t want yo bum them out or scare them off or be ungrateful. I don’t feel I deserve it but at the same time I really want it.

My active conscious wants to just be loved and be able to love someone, but I worry deep down that I just use others pity to feel better about myself and it scares me. What if I’ve just created a world around me where I’m going to be alone when I need others most. I’m so scared of asking for help from others that I care about because that seems selfish and if I really cared about them I wouldn’t worry them with my problems, but I just want someone to talk to and listen that I know cares about me and isn’t just doing it because they’re obligated to.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m not suicidal, just sad and feel like if I didn’t wake up tomorrow no one would mind. I’m too much of a coward to do anything, but just wish in the back of my head that I’ll be murdered or something so I don’t have to bother anyone else. I feel like talking would help, but then, do I deserve to be helped? Why should anyone give a shit what happens to me. I want to reach out and just say “I need to really talk to someone that I feel actually gives a shit about me,” but I’m so scared that will drive off the few friends I have left. The only time I talk is when I’m drunk because I just break and don’t give a shit what others think. Then I’m told that they’ll come by and visit, but then it never happens, so I think it’s just to get me to shut up and leave them alone. I really don’t want to think that, but the alternative scares me more, one where they forget about me. I feel selfish for feeling bad about being forgotten because thats my own demeanor in social situations that causes that, it’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. In any situation with more than one other person I clam up and just stay silent most of the time, which I want to change but don’t know how. When I’m with one other person just hanging out 1 on 1 I can talk and be comfortable.

So yeah. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to disappear, but don’t want to kill myself. I want to talk but don’t want to drive people away. I want to be loved, but don’t want to be pitied. I want to be around someone else alone but don’t want to make them uncomfortable with me being the only one there. I feel like shit and question my own existence and am tired of the same bullshit generic advice that people seem so quick to offer up but that doesn’t really help me out of my way of thinking. I need help, but I don’t know where to turn to anymore.