I have really immensely fucked up....

Met someone amazing as an LDR in a dating subreddit and in two freakin weeks , I sabotaged whatever we had.

Everything went well, transitioned from Reddit to discord.... It's like a dream come true... But no !! I had to destroy a beautiful thing....

I've been diagnosed with BPD for a few years now and I am doing my best to manage it and going to CBT and DBT therapy sessions regularly... But apparently it's not helping....

So as I said, things went very well, we were texting constantly, until the texts started getting less and less. At first, it didn't bother me, she has friends, I'm fine with it. She wants to spend time with them, I'd be an asshole to object. But, lately, it has increased and I went through a splitting episode, as the voices in my head started telling me that she prefers her friend's company over me. That triggered my fears of being left out and abandoned, I didn't tell her anything because she would see me as a control freak,and in a snap , I just started posting on those dating subreddits again,

I don't know what got over me, I just started seeing everything black. I felt alone, abandoned, discarded and left out....

Needles to say, she saw the posts and thought I was cheating... She went Ballistic on me, and I understand that what I did was wrong but I was just vulnerable and alone. It doesn't excuse what I did, it was impulsive and hurtful... But I really don't know what got over me.

Well it's all over now folks, she stopped taking to me, I tried explaining myself. But she just refused to listen to me....

I fucking hate myself and the way I see things, maybe I don't deserve her, maybe I'm destined to die alone, I'll never find love, everything I touch goes to ashes.... I feel heavy, empty, stuck and I don't know what to do....

Thank you,if you managed to read so far.