It dawned on me recently that I’m not even sure “who” I am. And I’m not sure if I ever did. For reference im in my 30s. I’m at an age where I should be settling down or already settled down. Wife, kids, advancing my career, etc.

Instead I’m so far behind in life. I’m not a husband. I’m not a father. I hate my job and really of someone was going to describe me, it’s probably the only label you could use. And that’s not good.

I feel like my entire life I’ve tried to be someone else. Someone admirable. Someone desirable. I’ve done this and that to try to be someone I’m not. Ive missed out on so much of life. I feel like a teenager in a lot of ways. Curious about so many things. What its like to go to a party. To be given an orgasm by someone. What it’s like to just relax in bed with someone . What it’s like to get fucked up with friends. To be able to be vulnerable and feel safe.

I don’t know who i am. I’m obviously iously a loser. But what else besides that? I don’t have any real interests or hobbies anymore because any joy they used to bring long faded away. I just spend the days either at work or going from one thing to the next minute by minute trying to make time pass before it’s an acceptable hour to go to bed. Which gets earlier and earlier because I can’t stand being awake.

Even if I was to get a date now. What would I say? What fun stories do I have to talk about? What accolades? What passions? If someone asked what I do for fun what would I say? Nothing?

You need a purpose in life. One that extends beyond oh I’m a (whatever you do for work). Something that involves someone else. Eventually you reach an age where if you don’t have that, you’ll have to question what you’re here for.

I don’t need a divine or grandiose purpose. Even just to be someone’s safe haven would be enough. Someone I could have grown with. To have explored life with. To find myself with. But instead of finding anything I ever wanted, I spent my years slowly losing everything I had.