Having someone who I'm absolutely in love with, but eventually they decide they're not interested in me romantically, or not having anyone I'm crushing on and just out in the cold.

I appreciate not having my heart strings plucked anymore by someone who just lost interest in me, but I also REALLY REALLY loved the idea that I was done with 'the chase'. I don't enjoy making personal ad posts on reddit or where ever, or making dating site profiles. Trying to strike up conversation, small talk, mutual interests, before inevitably getting ghosted over and over and over and over and over again, time after time after time.

I was foolish I guess to assume that I was done after she messaged me, in response to a thread on this subreddit no less. But here I am again, a few years older and precisely as alone as I was before she had ever messaged me.

All she did was encourage me to waste the last few years of my 20s chasing after her before accepting a proposal from another guy. When I asked her about it she said, and I directly fuckin quote here, "well who says no?" There's an entire castle full of red flags I could touch on over the years but I just don't have the mental bandwidth to get angry anymore. I'm tired and sad and lonely and I've had the fight beaten out of me.

Which is why I can't imagine starting over again. "Hey what bands do you like, do you play video games, what else do you like to do". And then it never leads anywhere for one reason or another. It's exhausting because I have empathy and want to care, I'm a kickass loyal friend I'd like to think. But when I keep having to start over, it's much easier to just lie in bed and wallow in my abject loneliness and misery. Maybe it sucks here too but at least it's warm here and no one can manipulate my feelings.