As 20 year old guy, I don't know where to start. I really feel like I am alone, even when I'm surrounded by family. I feel like I'm not included in this family. Its more like I'm just a roommate than a brother or a son. I have expressed that, but no one cares. Ive expressed my feelings to everyone in my life, and its like no one cares tries to give a damn. I hate this. I can tell these people who call me their friends what I feel about them being distant, and them not really being around or the feeling that they are using. They will profusely apologize that I feel them and then throwing me right back to where they wanted me to be at. I don't know why people do this to me, why do people do this to people? I hate this feeling. I understand people go through things, and i wanna listen to them but what about me? This past 3 months, I just found out that someone that I thought was dead was alive this whole time, and that people lied to me about someone's death. I've been grieving this person for 3 years. I been blaming myself over this person's death for 3 years. It changed my life. Ive had to balance work and college. I dont sleep, I don't go out, not that I'm invited anywhere. Im just here. Like a person in the corner watching everyone else party, and have fun. I wanna express so much, but who to? I don't wanna get shut down for the millionth time, because frankly I'm tired of trying. It doesn't matter to anyone how I feel. As long as they can use me, as long as I can be their clutch for money or for people to put their feelings on. When I'm not useful to anyone, no one is around me. Ive given my last dollar in my pockets just so they will be okay, ive given so much rime, so much money, so much love to people just to be respected. Im so unappreciated. I cant count on a single person to just be there for me no matter what it is. I hate that I can rely on no one. I hate I can trust no one, I guess thats what my life is yea? I want actual people. I want love, I want friends, I wanna life, I want a romantic life. I want so much more. Every time I try to make friends, it fails. I feel more awkward. I feel like im gonna be used. I feel like im gonna be fucked over. I jusr want someone to be around me because I am who I am. I hate that im not that. I hate that every time I wanna put myself out there in the dating world it doesn't work out. I feel awkward talking to people. I feel weird trying to talk to people. I put myself out there, no one is interested in me. No one is interested in my actual heart. Everyone loves the benefits of it though? That matters more than anything else. I don't want to be used. I want to feel loved, I want to feel appreciated. I want to be listened to. I want to be surround by good people but do I get to have that? Do I get to have what other people have or us that an illusion. Some days I can be comfortable being a loner, but it just becomes overwhelming. Very overwhelming, why does this happen to me, why is my life like this? Did I do something wrong? I don't want anyone to feel this. I do t want anyone to go through what I went through ad a child, I don't want my future children to feel this if I get a chance to have any. I want to express so much more but It'll take a whole day to say everything I want and as much as I want to do that. I cannot. Stick and stones make break my bones... My heart on this earth, is forever alone.