I really could use some kindnesses right now. I haven’t been able to stop crying since my doctor appt yesterday.

I have an amazing GP whose wife has fibro, so he’s become a major advocate for patients with chronic & autoimmune illness. I basically think of him as my “doctor dad” because he’s so caring & persistent in treating me.

It’s been two years since I’ve last worked full-time, set off by a nervous breakdown (super toxic work environment too similar to abusive household growing up) and some time in treatment for major depression to recover. Since then, I found my dream job as a tax accountant at a CPA firm, but deferred for a year so I could 1) finish CPA courses and 2) continue recovery.

Now it’s a year. Now I’m supposed to start next month full-time, for real. And my body and my brain are all just still so broken. I’m having way more bad days than good and am still actively attending appts or on waiting lists for GI specialists, sleep studies, joint & rheumatology, physical therapy, counseling, Neurologists, Neuro-opthamologists, etc trying to figure out why I can’t move, stay awake, or see clearly throughout each day.

And I asked my doc, who I really trust, point-blank what he thought about my start date and he just told me it’s not a good idea right now. And I know he’s right. We jut started a new med, we changed doses on two others. I rarely have enough energy for anything more than a walk around the block and I can’t sit up all day. And I’m supposed to be a tax accountant working busy season for 60 hours per week?

It’s totally unrealistic and I’m just heartbroken. I just turned 30 this year. How do I get my life back? When do I work again? When does my spouse get his partner back? I feel so useless.