TW: suicide, self harm, mental health

Hi lovelies.

I've not been officially diagnosed (pain docs here are booked months out and I'm patiently waiting) but I was prescribed Lyrica as a "band aid" as she put it, I went in for what I thought was a pinched nerve & she was like "uhhh, I don't SEE anything but here have Lyrica, get in with a rheumatologist ASAP" so HERE I am!

I was taking Lyrica once a day since April of this year, and it was managing the pain decently (re: I was able to function daily) but kind of stopped taking the 'edge' off so to speak, so I started taking a dose in the AM as well as the PM dose I'd been taking.

Almost immediately my mood tanked, suicidal thoughts started to float, I was going into hysterics/meltdowns at least once a day and my husband was so concerned for my safety that he considered calling 911 so I could go inpatient somewhere. Nothing he normally did to help my depressed moods was helping at all, only making things worse.

After about 2 weeks of this, I decided to look at the side effects of Lyrica and Hey look! Suicidal thoughts may increase. I talked to the prescribing doctor and she said I could probably stop taking it all at once if I was concerned with the side effects (uh...yeah? WHY WOULDNT I BE???) so I took that advice.

I'm now at the end of my 3rd day Lyrica free and I'm SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED. I'm just in constant pain. It's hovering lower on the 1-10 scale (5ish) with spikes to 10 every 20 minutes or so, and those spikes last about 5 minutes...there's a sick, queasy, discomfort all the time. Like I need to crack every bone in my body and just CANT and I'm just....done with all of this BS.

My choices right now seem to be:

A) Take the Lyrica, feel like killing myself, worry that I may not be able to control the impulse to

or

b) don't take Lyrica, lie in bed and wish I was dead so the pain would stop, do absolutely nothing but writhe around seeking a position that hurts less

Has anyone else been here? What can I do?