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My husband is not a bad man, necessarily. He is probably even a good man (by the usual standards). He always asks before sex, "May I? Mein aaj thora sa pyaar ker loon?" (May I love a little?)

I can say, "Not today," and he listens.

I don’t let him kiss me with his tongue, touch my breasts, or my stomach; I don’t open my eyes or respond in any way and he has agreed to that – mostly.

He let me go to college; gave me massages when my exams ended late. I told him once that I wanted to write so on my birthday, he got me a typewriter. It was touching. He also said, once, that he would fulfill all my dreams one day; that he knew that I had to compromise but that he would make up for it. He was being sincere. Zainab feels sorry for him. Sometimes, I do too.

But then I remember that asking for consent is not a favour and that "Not today" does not mean "No." He touches me where I let him but I have to let him. I have had to partition my body into touchable, untouchable parts: he cannot touch my breasts because (THEY ARE MINE) they were the first part of my sexuality that was loved. Neither my stomach, because I had learnt only lovers take the time to pause and savour between breasts and cunt and I do not love my husband. It does not matter if he does or thinks he does. He can't have my mouth, either, but I couldn’t explain why to you. Only the boy I used to kiss knows. So I left him with my arms, my legs, my back and eventually, reluctantly, my neck.

For the first half of our marriage I used to lay still and wait for it to end. You know how when you are afraid you recite the Ayat-ul-Kursi over and over? I had a few ‘ayats’ of my own. The first was always

‘I love you
I love you
I love you’

directed to the boy I used to kiss as if saying it would undo my being fucked by someone else. The second one was some variation of ‘Please please please make it stop.’

The thing is, my good, accommodating, uncomplaining man often ends up saying, "But what do I DO? I don't want to force you. But something has to change (and it's not going to be me). You are MY WIFE and I have never even seen your breasts. You cringe when I touch you. It makes me feel like I am raping you."

So to make him feel better, I relinquished my neck; later on in the marriage, I learnt to touch, and kiss him so it didn't feel so rapey.

Is it rape?
You tell me.

If the man you are married to knows you didn't want to be married to him, sees you contort and writhe under him, recognises and comments on how "You look like you are trapped in a cage," but has sex with you anyway,

Is it rape?

If he says, "I don't want you to feel obliged" but also "Why don't you want to? You should want to. Why don't you?" and "If you don't..."

...don't worry, the second part of that sentence is not him hitting me – but if the warnings he gives have no physical bruises

Is it even rape?

Does it even count if I was held down by a fear of my father finding out (that I was saying no to sex with the cousin he had chosen for me) and not by my husband's arms?

I remember that he lets me go to college and that he could just as easily not. Mind you, it isn't easy for him. So to put his mind at ease, I must never take a class before 10 or after 4. I must not stay back after classes. I may not talk to boys unnecessarily.

I remember how nerve racking his massages are as his fingers slip accidentally on purpose into untouchable territory and I am supposed to say "Thank you for taking such good care of me."

He supports my writing (even though he has never seen any of it) because he is a good guy but also because writing is a safe ambition to support. It doesn't require stepping out of the house. He can throw some money at it, get me a typewriter, get it published and his job is done.

I remember all of this and realise how little it takes for men to be good.

---Anonymous