I've been wanting to start a discussion, make some comments, and provide some tools surrounding some of the common laments we see here; and not just here, but all of dating. I am not an expert in human communication, BDSM, dating, or any subject in particular except maybe what I do for a living daily and a few choice video games. So why say anything on the subject? Because this is a public forum meant for discussion, and I do not have a public history as a bad actor and, that's enough. I'm enough.

So what are these common laments? A few choice examples: "I can't find a domme", "male subs are selfish", "I was ghosted", "I'm not a kink/money machine". This post is not about addressing these experiences specifically, nor is the intent to eradicate the expression of these frustrations. These are legitimate concerns and expressions of emotions that have a real impact on the people experiencing them.

This post is more about a larger strategy to human interaction and working through the pain of being vulnerable with one another. Like I said, I'm not an expert; I'm just a guy who has been working through some pain and an absence of real connection, who also happens to be doing a lot of reading about the subject of mindfulness, kindness, and vulnerability.

Being Vulnerable with a capital V

Brene Brown has a TED talk called "The Power of Vulnerability", and in it she talks about the idea of worthiness. Who is worthy of love and belonging. I bring it up because it's easy, when you've been rejected or if you've been searching without much success for a partner, to feel like you are not worthy of love. It's easy to give in to despair and to dwell in it. It's even easier still to reach out for something to numb the pain of having been vulnerable and being hurt as a result.

Brown talks about both of these aspects of human interaction; One, that in her research the difference between those who have a sense of love and belonging and those who do not have are separated by a simple distinction: those who have that sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging, and those who do not have it do not believe they are worthy of it. I would editorialize to add that if we do not believe we are worthy of love and belonging then you will only make it harder for others to think the same of you.

Two, Brown talks about being truly vulnerable. Without speaking too broadly about what is and isn't making oneself vulnerable, we do not get to choose what we experience. Yes, we can choose who we associate with, but if we want to make a connection with someone we cannot numb or avoid the bad and accept only the good. They go hand in hand and it is simply the nature of socialization. When we numb the bad, we also numb the good. When we reduce our capacity to be hurt, we reduce our capacity for joy.

You and I know all to well the nasty phrases that our brains say to us: you need to fix this before you are worthy of love; you're too this; you're too that. Yeah, sure, work on those things, but remember, and not just remember but we must remind ourselves that (in Brown's words, and the top comment on the video) "you are imperfect, you are wired for struggle; but you are worthy of love and belonging".

Power exchange and Connection

Again inserting my amateur opinion, but I think the primary goal of power exchange dynamics is to connect. It is one of the ways that our brains, perhaps uniquely to a subset of humans, have been wired to seek intimate connection to other humans. To be vulnerable with someone else, or to be with them when they are being vulnerable. Perhaps to guide them during that time, either as the rider of a horse or as the shepherd of a flock. I know personally I equated (and still do) submission with vulnerability, and vulnerability as a means to expose myself to the opportunity of acceptance and love. Sex and submission are obviously not the only way to do this, however I have seen others speak of it this way. I would love to hear additional thoughts and opinions.

Just Like Me

Chade-Meng Tan is a Google engineer that wrote the book "Search Inside Yourself", which is primarily a guide to self-awareness, empathy, mindfulness, and vulnerability for business leaders. Don't discount it though! This is the second half of what I shared above, how we can help heal ourselves and create resiliency in the face of repeated hurt.

Tan talks about creating mental habits, and specifically being a kind person. He cites a quote attributed to The Buddha: "Whatever one frequently thinks and ponders upon, that will become the inclination of his mind". We all know this one in one form or another. A different take on "I think, therefore I am". When we spend a lot of time belaboring the hurt done to us and disparaging the quality of the person who did it, that is who we become: a bitter, unkind person.

One of the tools Tan shows us is the "Just Like Me" practice. You think about the person you are in conflict with and think these things, with generous time for pause:

"This person has a body and a mind, just like me.

This person has feelings, emotions, and thoughts, just like me.

This person has, at some point in their life, been sad, disappointed, angry, hurt, or confused, just like me.

This person has in their life experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering, just like me.

This person wishes to be free from pain and suffering, just like me.

This person wishes to be healthy and loved, and to have fulfilling relationships, just like me.

This person wishes to be happy, just like me".

In the moment of pain, this is likely not going to be a particularly useful tool, and I want to state categorically: this is not an endorsement of the person's behavior. What it is is giving yourself a gift. Understanding, and not just understanding but raising to the surface levels of your thoughts, that the other person is a person, just like you, and allowing them the grace we all ask for as we struggle to be human beings. It has a nearly calculable benefit to our own well-being. That understanding has gotten me out of a dark time recently, as I suspect it will again in the future.

I hope these words find you if you need them. Thanks for reading.