I'm having an issue accepting that I'd like to express these desires. A bit of a vent ahead.

I've been either fortunate or unfortunate, to have friendships with guys that would encourage dominant behaviour. I was enjoying the little ways I could treat them however I wanted and their pleading eyes for attention and touch. I had this friend that was vocal about liking when they got bruised or hurt and we'd just casually explore how it felt like to be hit with random objects. I watched them in glee as they observed their own markings describing the tingle they enjoyed feeling.

I never really thought much about it, it was just the way things were. Never labelled it outside of- It was fun, It felt powerful. That was until I kind of had that "wait what-" moment where I realised what I have been doing and felt disgusted at myself.

I'll say it just in case, but I know there's nothing wrong with femdom, but when my mind connects myself with domming or sadism I feel disgusted.

It's probably a cocktail of shame, stigma and some issues from past relationships and what have it. The hardest part is that I want to feel okay having these desires and yet a part of me refuses to accept it.

Very annoyed.

I'd love to hear from people that have gone through this sort of thing. What was your story?