I've been barely able to talk about it. Reading with my own eyes not only everything he was doing but saying terrible things as well. It's the worst kind of pain. I made a self post marking when I found out because I knew I needed to mark this point in time but I couldn't deal with it and barely even acknowledge it. I still barely can now. Can't believe it's almost been a month. I made mistakes as this was pre-FDS which also might have contributed to the end of the relationship as I stopped putting up with so much bullshit but obviously it's hard to change things in the middle. I have a lot more I could say but I feel like I just really need to put it out there and get some kind words from you ladies as I don't think I've ever been in so much emotional pain in my life. To add insult to injury he dumped me first and then I found out about the cheating.

Things had been rocky for a while and he didn't like paying all my bills anymore lol which I now see is because he could get pussy for free literally one of his posts was talking about some girl 'all she wanted was a hard dick' as in not requiring anything else. My previous ex cheated on me too and I found some of his online dating profiles and such but finding someone's reddit account is so different because it's incredibly personal and candid. There is no hiding it's how he feels. God it's fucking painful. Meanwhile he was questioning and being possessive of me and I felt sooo guilty because I wouldn't be exclusive with him for a long time and made accounts on dating apps when we broke up and I needed a new sponsor. I just can't believe it. I think that's why it has taken me so long to talk about it I'm still in shock.

Even tho our relationship had it's flaws I actually thought he was one of the lesser evil ones. I have so much more to say and I hope to channel this into sharing more with you ladies in the future as I took screenshots and I want to show you how men talk on reddit vs the actual truth (blurring usernames of course). Like complaining about simps when he is literally giving me thousands of dollars a month lol. I'm not ready for that yet but there has to be some kind of positive that comes out of all of this pain. And life lessons. Don't be me. Don't be financially dependent. Always be non-monagmous and keep your options open which is something I knew I had to do and did in the beginning but stopped because I was dependent and too scared of getting caught and becoming destitute. But of course it's what he was doing the whole time.

I would appreciate any kind and healing energy you can send me because things are just pretty dark right now. Doesn't help that I moved across the country to be back with family because $ and have been in quarantine just documenting all of his bullshit. Fuck. At least I get out tomorrow and can do more stuff but I don't know anyone here.