I’ll start off by saying I’m very young (24) and I’ve missed the first 4 years of my son’s life due to no fault other than my own. My ex and I gave up legal guardianship to her parents when I was 20 due to various financial reasons. Shortly after doing so my ex and I split apart. Our son stayed with her and her parents. Basically, if I wasn’t going to go to court, then I wouldn’t have any involvement in my son’s life. Any other route or effort proved to be unsuccessful. She wouldn’t allow me to have contact with herself or my son indefinitely.

Fast forward 4 years later and I get served with child support (case opened automatically due to her receiving state assistance). I decided I’d reach out to my son’s mother and let her know that I’m going to finalize the child support and pay the initial proposed amount with no questions asked. She ultimately appreciated that and we decided to meet up days later for the first time in over 4 years. It’s been over 2 months and I still haven’t seen my son. I feel like such a failure and an awful parent because I haven’t gone to court for my son. My ex keeps saying “You’ll see him soon” but only assures me when I mention him. It’s almost as if I’m prioritizing everyone else’s feelings/emotions over his. Im too worried about how we’ll become enemies once I take that legal step.

On top of that I’ve had a pretty successful rental business and I’ve been able to help/provide for her and my son the past few months in ways I’ve always dreamed of. Things have taken a steep dive with the business recently and I no longer have that kind of exposable income. Fixing her car troubles, buying my son all the things he wants/needs, etc, etc is extremely difficult now. It feels like I have nothing to offer if I don’t have those same kind of financial offerings.

I’ve spent the past 4 years working my ass off to be able to give my son everything he can ever dream of. The desire and love I have for him is indescribable. It’s a huge blow to my gut realizing that success I achieved for him is gone.

My days consist of nothing but suicidal thoughts and stress. I don’t know how I’m going to pull myself out of this one.