TLDR; my family's matriarch went out of her way to embarrass and ostracize me at a big family event; I have no idea why other than that I didn't make the bed. The rest of my family shunned me as well. My dad won't stand up for me because she owns the loan on his house and my little brother saw all of this, but feels close to them and doesn't want to get caught up in the drama of it all. I'm feeling insignificant, alone, and embarrassed that people who I called "family" would do this to me and that I don't have any voice to speak up with or advocate on my side

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Hi all -

I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with this "family" situation that's really left me feeling like I'm not actually family.

Insight to my family dynamics: growing up, I was never around much of my family aside from my mother, father, brother and slowly stopped expecting anything of the rest of my family. We were never invited to Christmases, Thanksgivings, I never got birthday cards or calls from grandparents, aunts, or uncles growing up. I've really never seen any reason for why other than that we just weren't in the same state as them, so maybe they just didn't know me well enough to care, but the same was true when we made visits. No one ever seemed to treat me like family; eventually, I stopped expecting anything from them, which in its own way, was really painful, especially after my parents got divorced and even my immediate family seemed broken and distant. Anyway, after my parents' divorce, I was about to go to college and I realized that there was no way for me to be able to go to college without someone else helping take care of my brother, who was 8-9 at the time. I was so deeply depressed and feeling so alone, I knew I absolutely had to leave home or else I would get much much worse. By deciding to go to college at a California school, I convinced my dad to move to California, where his extended family lived, so that he and my brother could be supported by them. My great-aunt is the half-sister of my late grandmother and is essentially the matriarch of my father's family. She is a millionaire that prides herself on her career in psychology and involvement with AA.

It's four years later now and I've just recently graduated college. During the past four years, my brother has become really close to the rest of my dad's family and is honestly so much the better for it. I feel like moving him to California was truly the best decision for him. I've been to a couple of Thanksgivings/XMasses with them all, but I've always felt really awkward; I always attributed this to how I didn't grow up around family so it feels really weird having "family" all of a sudden. In retrospect, I truly did try even though I always felt like an afterthought; there was never any food for me to eat since I'm vegetarian and never quite enough room for me at the table or any present for me under the tree, even when I bought them for others...

So due to a series of unforeseen events, I lost a lot of money and stability right before I graduated. Neither of my parents have space for me to live with them, but my dad assured me that I would be welcome to stay at my great-aunt's multi-million dollar beach house since she's had much more distant relatives than I live with her for years at a time. Upon arriving at her house, she instructed me to take care of her dog, her house, and her husband (who needed to be driven to several appointments a day) for two weeks while she went on vacation. In addition to doing this, I was also taking care of my grandfather, who has dementia, and looking for work. I got a full-time job within a few weeks of staying at her house working at a non-profit organization supporting survivors of sexual assault. It's not a high-paying job, but I started saving money so I could afford a place of my own.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable during my stay there and it's hard to pinpoint why. Little things that were insignificant but made my aunt angry with me. Like leaving a lotion bottle on the counter of my bathroom or not making my bed right everyday. Mind you, I'm an incredibly clean person. She just didn't like how I organized my things and would make it a point of contempt. Very quickly, I became uncomfortable enough there that I ate, did laundry, and spent my time solely at my dad's house since I always did all of those things wrong at my great-aunt's. I only slept there since there wasn't anywhere else I could stay. About a month into staying with my great-aunt, she asked me to move out in a few weeks; she was planning her 50th wedding anniversary to be a big event and wanted a distant family member to be able to stay with her for the weekend. Mind you, she didn't ask me to find another place to stay for the weekend, she asked me to MOVE OUT, fully knowing I don't have the money to afford a deposit/rent and that my parents don't have space for me. Still, I ended up moving in with my mom, and I'm sleeping on a blow-up mattress since she only has a 1-bedroom apartment and is quite poor. This is all fine and well in my book; I helped my great-aunt with minor details for the event up until I moved out and I had actually been learning how to play the ukulele so I could play "La Vie En Rose" as a surprise for her at the event since I know she loves Paris.

Apparently me moving out was another mistake on my part. On the day they asked me to move out, I was also tasked with taking care of my grandfather so I tried to move as fast as I could to move out since I didn't have any help to do so. I packed all of my things, wiped down all of the counters, cleaned the bathroom, washed my towels and sheets, and folded the comforter on the bed. All I didn't have time for was to remake the bed since I didn't have the time to stay to wait for the sheets to be dried. The next day, I came back to return my keys and give them a thank-you note. When I did so, my great-aunt's husband told me that my great-aunt was upset with me that I did not make the bed and that I should call her to apologize. I found this absurd so I did not call her.

I didn't think about it at all up until the weekend of the event. The day before was Pride - I'm openly gay and there was a Pride parade being thrown on Saturday that I signed up to volunteer for. My dad signed up to volunteer as well and asked a few of our family members to sign up too. I signed them up - a couple of my cousins and an aunt - which the Pride organization was really happy about since they were short on volunteers. Pride comes around and my family members texted my dad that they're not going to come anymore since they're getting their nails done with my great-aunt for her 50th anniversary the next day, which was incredibly embarrassing for me since the volunteers were needed and I was the person who signed them up. Also would've been cool to have family support since I only recently came out... I didn't dwell on this too much since I reminded myself not to expect much from them. They've never been there for any birthday, holiday, or even so much as congratulate me on my college graduation or new job so there was no precedent.

The next day was my great-aunt's 50th anniversary. I spent the whole morning getting ready and even going out to buy a new shawl and get my hair cut since I knew it was going to be a fancy event and there'd be family pictures I'd have to be a part of. Still, it ended up that the ceremony portion was only all of 5 minutes at the beach and I got to the beach 5 minutes late. I kid you not. It was scheduled for 4:30 and I got there at 4:35. I sincerely thought I was supposed to arrive at 4:30, not that the ceremony was going to be at 4:30 - I think there's a difference. So I get there and my great-aunt is walking down the beach with her husband after renewing their vows while I'm just walking up and she gives me the dirtiest look. I am confused, wave, and get out of the way for her pictures. When the time is right, I go to tell her she looks lovely, and she turns away from me and walks away. While this is happening, I notice that I'm the only one of my female family members who is not wearing a bridesmaid's dress. I am the only girl in my family who was not invited to be a part of the bridal party. Even my brother and dad were groomsmen. Turns out, that was the reason they didn't come to Pride the day before; my aunt wanted to have a spa day with her bridesmaids and they all decided to do that instead... My dad didn't tell me before since he knew it'd hurt my feelings and it did. I felt like a sore thumb and like I really didn't know what to do. There's got to be some cliche chick-flick where the girl shows up to the party and was set up to look like a fool; Legally Blonde maybe. It was like that except real-life and I didn't have any script of confidence to work off of. On the way to the next venue, I cried in my car and waited 30 minutes before going inside, just trying to think of what to do. My dad talked to me and told me he was just as upset to see this happen as I was. He was planning on allowing my great-aunt this day for her event before "raising hell" with her the next day. I decided that I didn't want to be the one who ruined the event or stirred up drama in any way so I went in to the reception. I got in and none of my family members, the bridal shower, talked to me and even turned away from me when I was nearby. There wasn't even a placecard or seat for me at the table, and I remember looking over the seating arrangements when I was helping plan. My dad had to ask for another chair so I could squish in next to him.

They had a videographer who was doing interviews with each of the attendees and I ended up leaving a nice message for them about how much it meant to me that they were there for him when they needed him and have been so supportive of our family...

For some reason, I felt like it was okay to keep trying to be gracious and grateful towards them since I thought that my dad would advocate for me later and that I wouldn't let it hurt my feelings because true "family" doesn't treat you like that, no matter what, and I can't even think of what I did wrong, aside from not making the bed. But today when I went over to my dad's, he told me that he'd rather us "take the high road" and "not let them win by making us upset". Somehow this devastated me more than what actually happened. In my heart, it matters more to me that my dad stand up for me than anything else that could come out of this. I argued with him that I did already take the high road and that I wanted them to know that it's not okay to treat people like that, especially people they call "family", and other notes about why that was not okay with me. He ended up telling me that he doesn't want to because they own the loan on the house he lives in and he doesn't want them to pull it; he said it'd be my fault if my brother had to change schools, my grandfather go into a home, and that my dog have to go to the pound if that happened and he lost the house.

I don't know what to do in this situation. I feel so insignificant because of it. I wish I never moved here; it feels so lonely. I thought I'd be able to establish a sense of belonging among the people who have called me "family" but this weekend, they truly went out of their way to ostracize me and make me feel like a villain. I don't even care to know why because I don't ever care to call them "family" ever again. I'm more anxious and depressed by how this affects my relationship with my dad and brother. My dad won't stand up for me and my brother loves them like family. I hate that he saw them treat me like this. It makes me feel even more alone to think that my dad and brother side with them, even if they knew they hurt me this badly.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I don't think there's much more I can do except move on and shut them out. I just feel like absolute trash having been embarrassed and spat on like that by "family" only to not have a voice of my own or advocate to have my back. I feel so insignificant and I just want to throw eggs at their house.

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PS. I'm sorry this was really long, I have an English degree and I'm apparently not one for brevity.