OK, this is not about changing the past because what’s done is done but some history is needed. Here’s the background:

I was married very young and had 2 children who are now 31M and 29F. First wife and I divorced after 9 years and I changed jobs and moved from TX to NJ to be near to them as they grew up. Divorce was not going to keep me from being their father and I was committed to being a presence in their lives. Divorce is very hard on kids but despite a testy relationship with their mother, I was loving being their father. Never gave either of them a reason to doubt my unconditional love and commitment to them. And I’m not looking for medals - any parent should do exactly that. My ex remarried and she and her new husband blended their families as one does. My kids were in their teens at this point and I understandably sacrificed some of my time with them in deference to things all kids that age want to do. I was involved and engaged with them still - but I felt the first rumblings of being a little isolated from them mentally. Their family with their mom had 6 kids, a new baby and from what I could observe, my ex’s new husband was a good guy and respected my relationship with my kids. Young adulthood came. I was significantly better off financially than my ex at that point so I paid for 2 cars, insurance, expenses, travel and 90% of college educations at Notre Dame and Vanderbilt. I had since moved back to Texas and they were busy college kids so I understood that their flights to come see me trailed off - as did their calls and text messages. But I could not have been prouder of them.

But here’s where things changed. My relationship with their mom had always been strained but now felt like a competition. I was invited to my son’s graduation but not to the celebration party/dinner (that I paid 50% of). “You’d probably feel left out” was the reasoning. Swallowed my pride - but I did crash later for dessert and had a wonderful time. As my daughter’s graduation approached 2 years later, I didn’t even receive an invitation. My daughter said when her mom and I are together, she can’t stand the tension. OK. Pride swallowed. But saw tons of pictures on social media of the entire happy family celebrating. Yes, texts and calls had diminished a great deal by this point - I’m as guilty as anyone. But I had hope we could and would rekindle.

In the next 2 years, I saw my son exactly twice. Both when I was traveling on business and stopped over for a weekend. When my mom passed away in 2016, both called me but neither came to the funeral despite being less than 3 hrs away. I was getting the message.

The back breaker came when my daughter was married. I had met her fiancée once - over FaceTime - despite offering to fly to TX for a weekend to meet in person. My daughter planned (and my ex paid for) her wedding without even telling me the details or the date. When I did find out, my 3 calls were unreturned. I sent them a $10k check and again went to social media to see the pictures.

Exactly a year ago, my daughter texted me a picture of her newborn son. My first grandchild. I had no clue how to respond so I didn’t. It’s been radio silence from them since.

Ok, that was hard to get out. And lots of coulda, woulda, shoulda dones on all sides. But what’s done is done. My head has been filled with emotions but I needed to focus on what to do going forward.

So I wrote them a letter.

I probably went through 30 versions but the one I sent was barely half a page long, factual and blameless. Essentially I told them that I love them and always will. They are amazing and my door and heart will always be open. For me, I’ll always be their father and will want to be close to them but I wanted to remove the obvious strain I bring to their lives and give them the power to choose individually how I will or won’t be part of them going forward. I apologized to them for the things I might have done that led to today - both the ones I know and the ones I remain unaware of.

Yes, maybe a little passive aggressive but I meant every word. Mailed it 6 months ago and haven’t received a response from either.

I did get a scathing email from my ex telling me how horrible I am, that my letter was evil and that she hopes I never hear from them.