tagging as mental health because it kinda has to do with that? nsfw because i will be talking about sex, as well as i will be talking about feminine genitalia and such

when i first found out i was trans i was 100% sure i was transgender fully and nothing else, but then as time went on i was less sure about it. currently i identify as transmasc but leaning more on the nonbinary side. which just doesn't even make sense to me. it's just frustrating because i wish i knew exactly what i was and what i wanted. my hair is currently in a bit of a longer bob sort of situation? with bangs. i like feminine and i look like a girl. and i like how i look right now, i like looking like this. i had short hair all throughout high school but it jsut physically does not work for me. they way my hair is and the way i look short hair does not look good on me. so i like how i look now, but i still want to be seen as masculine. i hate when people look at me and immediately think woman. girl. but yet i still like dressing feminine and like having hair like this.

my other gripe?? issue? is with sex and sexuality. for some background: i went to an all girls high school, and currently im a freshmen in a coed college. i have not talked to cis men in my age group in literally 4 years. i am bisexual. im almost 100% sure i am into men and i like men. i never have, but i want to have sexual experiences with a penis. i've only ever had a cis gf before. but all i've ever heard about men were horror stories about bad boyfriends. and i know good men exist out there, i know there is at least one man out there that would respect my identity and who i am, but i don't even know where id find one. and there's a part of my head in the back of my head that's saying they don't exist and i will never find one. and i think about it and when i imagine myself with a man i get this overwhelming urge to be a cis man. currently i am unsure if i want to go on T. i want to have a deeper voice, i want bottom growth, i want a little bit of facial hair, but the body hair feels like a sensory nightmare for me. i want to get top surgery probably someday, but i have 0 desire to get bottom surgery. and yet these past few weeks i am finding myself with this deepseated desire to have a dick. i want to have one so bad, but i do not what bottom surgery. it's in a "i wish i was a cisgender man so badly" way, a way that i will never be able to have or experience. and when i imagine myself with a man, i imagine myself as a cisgender man. would i even really be comfortable being with a cisgender man at this state? i want to be so bad, but could i? that's why i think i am more attracted to trans women than anyone else, i think i am largely t4t, not fully, but a good preference.

at this point i dont even know. i dont know who i am or who i want to be. i dont know who i want to be with or how. all i know is that i have this desire in the back of my mind to be a cisgender man, which is a desire i will never be able to fulfill. if anyone else has had or is having a similar experience please comment or something, id love to hear and discuss. this is just my vent and trying to organize the thoughts and feelings ive been having recently, so sorry if it doesn't make sense.