Tw. Weird Grindr encounters, talk of pregnancy, massive talk of dysphoria and gender stereotypes, talk of unsafe binding and unsafe sex, and child SA mention Sorry that’s a bit of a list haha

Context: I’ve never had a healthy relationship with sex. Ever. Was raped at 8 years old and proceeded to make videos for multiple, way older men, when I was between 9-12 years old. I would do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, because they would praise me after. I didn’t get praise or really acknowledgment at home or anywhere else so I was willing to do some grim shit for validation. I came out at age 18. I’ve known about my identity as a trans man since age 12, but was in the psych ward for 4 years and seeing firsthand how my openly trans peers were treated in that place shoved me right back into the closet. I only told one person I was trans in the 6 years I hid myself. Lately, after dating cis women for most of my time, I realised I’m gay. Grindr (in my experience) is fucking horrible to navigate as a trans man, especially a hypersexual, self destructive and people pleasing trans man..and tonight after a joint I just wrote a massive rant in my notes app about it. Here it is ig

I wish I had a dick. This is why I never have sex sober. Every time my clothes come off I’m reminded that I don’t look right, I don’t look how I’m supposed to, I don’t look how I want to. It’s stupid that I’ve fucked my ribs to feel like I can leave the house. It’s stupid that I sleep In binders even though I know it’s painful, I know it’s unsafe, but I’d rather deal with that than look at them. Because I just end up crying when I do. And it’s even fucking stupider that Im only able to tolerate my body when someone wants to fuck me. I put a towel over the mirror when I shower because I just hate every fucking feminine aspect of myself but a stranger from Reddit or Grindr or one of the BDSM websites that i signed up to when i was drunk and then forgot to delete the account can meet tonight? Cool! So I can temporarily ignore the loathing self hatred while I go to a strangers car (if I get high enough first) then when he’s above me and the way he’s describing me becomes more and more feminine and by the time he’s close he’s completely disregarded my identity because I have my stupid tits out and he sees a girl because he doesn’t give a flying fuck about me, of course he doesn’t! I’m a shag to him, a quickie on the side of the road or in the woods or whatever stupid fucking location I’ve fucked off to. Why the hell did I even begin to think I’d have a good time, that I’d feel wanted, that this stranger wouldn’t be another weirdo obsessed with getting me pregnant, that this stranger would view me as anything other than a girl? I give myself false hope every time I open these stupid fucking apps and leave every single interaction feeling empty, disconnected and making a mental note to buy pregnancy tests in the morning. I’m fucking tired. It’s shit that I’m in between. I’m not transitioning medically yet. I want to with every fibre of my being. But the UK sucks right now etc etc. I cant fit into gay spaces like Grindr very well, because I don’t have a dick. Im not as far in my transition as I want to be. Im not what most people on that app are looking for. But I’m socially masculine enough to also not fit into feminine spaces as much as I used to. So I’m just a trans man in flux being pissed off that stupid gender fucking roles and stereotypes exist and stressing about how to fit in because I’m not masculine enough for mens spaces and not feminine enough for women’s and it’s fucking stupid because I just want to exist in the spaces i want to be a part of and not be seen as “the best of both worlds” or have to deal with the weirdos that fetishise my fucking identity. I want a connection where I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I want a connection where I don’t have to tolerate all the pregnancy kinks and men way older than me and “straight”guys messaging me to meet up because Im a shag that they can still get away with calling themselves straight afterwards. It is too much to ask to be loved by a man, whilst also being seen as enough of one?