TW: Mention of sexual stuff, genitalia, and dysphoria

I just need to get this off of my mind, I’ll probably delete this.

I’ve been friends with him for about 3 years. We first met online, right before I was going to get on testosterone, and we would flirt back and forth and almost started dating, but at the time I had someone else I was more seriously pursuing.

Eventually, as we both grow up he learned that he identifies much more as being gay as opposed to being bi, or at the very least sees himself in a long term relationship with a cis man, and is solely attracted to dick.

He’d also prefer someone who’s taller, or at least closer to his height (He is very tall, at about 6’3”, and a bottom), for reference I am 5’5” on a good day.

I have a hard time finding someone I’m truly attracted to, romantically and sexually.

Last year, a random event happened while we were both high, and I ended up giving him a handjob. This was a consensual interaction but the tension arose out of nowhere.

We didn’t speak about it.

The next time we hang out, a similar situation happens, I’m a little more bold, it’s consensual, he seems into it, but then after.. we never spoke of these events ever again.

And they never happened again. Which is okay! Obviously, if that’s not what he wanted, but I.. hate myself for being so into it.

I was so into him. I AM so into him. He’s my best friend, I know sometimes people develop feelings for their best friend but I wish it would go away.

Most of the time, I can ignore it, or it really won’t exist, but I care so much about him, I think about him, I’ll have dreams about him, I feel awful and guilty about it.

He IS gay, I pass for a guy, and honestly am close to his type in many ways, and have stuck with him through hard times that most people wouldn’t, except.. that I am trans, and being short doesn’t help me.

I hate it. I fucking wish I was just born male, that I was born with a dick and that I was a bit taller. I could help him, I could give him the attention and love that he wants rom guys that won’t even give him a fucking text back. I hate myself for it. I try to push it out of my mind and just.. fuck.

It just.. sucks.