Honestly, nothing could've prepared me for how hard it would be to be seen as a man in society and how poorly we're treated for wearing women's clothing.

It's such an odd mixture of feelings.. I spent a lot of time pre-trans era, and even right after I came out, suppressing my femininity in the hopes to just get seen as a guy to begin with.

Once I started passing 100% as a guy, it hit me in the face how much I actually LOVE girly shit. I only hated it before because I didn't want to be perceived as a feminine girl.

But lord, do people treat you like shit.

Even just this morning, I decided to throw on a cute floral sundress to walk my kids to school. It's been really hot weather here after all, and I love dresses! I just feel like I'm wearing.... Clothes! Nothing weird??

But on the way, a large group of school boys were pointing and laughing at me amongst themselves. It hurt a bit, but I also remember that kids are generally assholes.

Awhile back on another instance, I was wearing the same dress to go pick up my boyfriend to go for a walk and hangout. I was waiting to cross the street at a busy intersection, minding my own business. But some guy turning a corner was hollering at me and looked really angry. (I couldn't hear exactly what he said, I was listening to music) He was fucking recording me on his phone while he was turning and yelling at me. I felt so fucking violated that he did that.

I'm used to having slurs yelled at me, getting laughed at, or dirty looks. But that was a whole new gross level. I kept looking over my shoulder the rest of the walk, worried he might try to start something.

I notice when I'm out in dresses or crop tops/women's clothes I get SO much negative attention that I'm starting to get paranoid going outside like that.

Sometimes I go out in my work uniform, or men's clothes and I will get anxious and paranoid until I realize I'm "safe" because I'm presenting cis.

I fucking hate that.

Why is it okay for women to wear women's or men's clothing, but men can't wear women's clothing? Especially since I fall under more of "GNC" for being bearded, short masc hair, hairy legs/pits, ect. I feel it sucks even more.

It's so frustrating that I finally become more comfortable in my body and who I even am, just for society to be punishing me for it. Why is it now that I finally am ME, but that it's "wrong/bad."

Why do people get so butthurt or act like you're doing the most absurd, outrageous thing by... Merely wearing fucking FABRIC.

I just want to be happy and to express myself, but it's starting to fester into a fear that I might run into the wrong person/people one day and end up physically hurt.

Also, I struggle with my ex whom decided to tell me one day while he was at work that he's mad at me and embarrassed by me. He said he doesn't want to go to parks and things with me with our kids because people "look at him" when I'm dressed femme. He hates my dangly earrings, lipstick, and women's clothes. (My goal is to move away in a year from him, but stuck for now..)

Why can't people just be whoever they are and wear what they like? Nobody bats an eye when I wear men's clothes. :(