I already had a heart to heart with two of my housemates who are trans that were there to give me hugs and support. But I'm still feeling depressed and all around emotional disregulated by things outside my power. The summed up reason is because it's just extra hard not being a white queer person, in every facet of life. The not so summer up reason I'll explain below....

📌As a disclaimer I'm going to be speaking about sexuality and bdsm so if the topic of such makes you uncomfortable. Please do not continue.

It's really triggering just speaking on this but it is something I feel needs to be done. I'm going to speak on anti-blackness.... I have grown up not once being able to have a romantic and sexual dynamic that wasn't toxic asf. It didn't matter if I was dating cis or trans people--at the end of the day, I would get blindsighted, fetishized and even code switched on in the middle of intimacy with the sick expectation of me partaking in race play and taking on a dominant role when I'm not. Didn't matter if open communication happened and I felt we were both on the same page. Ontop of this, I have had to deal with people not believing I'm autistic and hard of hearing until something happens where it proves such. I have to deal with assumptions that I'm strong, physically and emotionally; God forbid if I cry or am angry about something. And how dare I identify as being a nonbinary, feminine boi, which I have since I discovered I could when I was a preteen and that I am expected to look and behave a certain way to be considered a -real man- but also because black soft bois can't exist? I was born intersex so even if someone is accepting of my gender, they aren't fully of my anatomy nor take the time to actually learn about what pleases me and does not. I'm petite and have pretty privilege but despite such, I'm still not desired because of my blackness and seen as 'dirty' when ironically I have OCD and obsessively have good hygiene; I literally just read a femdom ad last night of someone who would have been ideal but she had one sentence stating how she is only attracted to white and east asian people. Which is a trip because I am actually North African and part of the Southwest Asian Disporia....I am ethnically Asian and is why my eyes look the way they do, but that's on history people don't read outside of school, apparently.

I have to deal with transphobia not just in cis-spaces but have to deal with it in binary coded trans spaces too! When I simply educate folks on shit, I get backlash. If I show up as my authentic self, I also get backlash like what is happening currently in a group I follow with an personal ad I shared.

The list goes on and on..... Every day I try to find the beauty in everything. I try to not think about my grief and pain...I try to bury it under the pleasure of this delicious hot chocolate a friend made me as I look out at the glistening snow outside. I have a lot to be grateful for. And yet, I am surrounded by white people here and have to witness all the physical and emotional privileges they more so easily can obtain in life. Whilist people like me have to try so hard too obtain such, that imposter syndrome is prominent.

I'm rambling right now but I literally just can not handle. I just want to vent and maybe others will listen and be willing to talk with me about this?

I will share a few pictures of myself and ya'll tell me if I'm just to much in my head or something. I'm tired, therapy no longer works for me and I just need larger support from community. 💓