i'm 29, pre-T, socially transitioned to genderfluid ~10 years ago, to a man ~1 year ago. i want to start testosterone and get top surgery, but those things are easily 2-5 years away for me still; frustrating, sure, but something i've generally come to terms with, i think.

the problem lies in the fact that lately, i've stopped fighting the misgendering and the keeping myself looking super masc to appease the cis people in my life all the time, etc...... it's exhausting. i enjoy wearing dresses and playing with makeup and looking cute. i have really bad bottom dysphoria, but my tits are largely here nor there a lot of the time, especially bc when i'm at home i'm often naked and they're two of my favorite fidget toys lmao but people in my life are constantly like "how can i see you as a man when you act / dress like this?" or like idk it's weird to be correcting strangers all the time right now because i don't pass at all and how are they supposed to know, i feel like i just end up alienating myself more and stressing myself out, but i'd rather save that energy for later when i am passing and have more of a reason to be bothered.

i also am aware that the body i have - though it doesn't look how i personally want it - is a really fucking attractive and basically ideal "woman's" body, like hourglass shaped and no blemishes and perky and soft in all the right places........ and i like being perceived as hot and sexual, especially by men, so ????? idk it makes me feel so fake like why am i okay with this? but also my other option is to what, hate myself soo much for the next handful of years?

my partner has expressed similar things with enjoying my breasts / my hairlessness (not due to shaving / waxing, i'm just a generally hairless person) at the moment and feeling guilty about it because on the days where my shit bugs me it like really bugs me, but then most of the time i'm just like fine? resigned to being perceived and treated like a woman for another couple of years? and he's made it very clear that as soon as the tetons can fall, they will, and that he's excited for all the changes T will have on my body, etc., but we also are like,,,,,,, i'm really hot now too tho huh?? and we've discussed how he feels worried about that making me dysphoric, i've discussed my feelings of fakeness with him....

idk if this makes any sense. i guess what i'm on about is it just feels weird to be using someone else's dream body as just a place holder until my shit can get how i want it???? but like i don't want to be a sexless blah until i look how i want. i also don't want to be agonizing over every little misgendering and whatever because i get that i look / sound like a woman and there's nothing to be done about it. i guess it's like i've been "a woman" for almost 30 years, what's a couple more before i can get to work on fixing things?

does this make sense? am i being a bad tran rn by not actively hating myself all the time / not constantly correcting people or even really trying to pass right now? even if i feel like it's keeping me from dwelling so much on how i don't look atm?

thanks in advance