Obligatory warning for what you might expect : talk of genitals and sexual content.

Recently I've been so aroused by everything that moves, but sex itself has been a point of mental frustration.

For reference, I'm bi but with presently a bias towards guys, I think because while I find women plenty attractive their anatomy often reminds me of my own. Right now I can't help but feel like a lesbian if I were having sex with a woman, which is upsetting for obvious reasons.

For the longest time, I thought I was asexual, primarily because anything involving sex with me was an instant turn off. Now I realize it was the fact that me, sexually, at the time meant me imagining myself with female anatomy and roles in sex, which was a turn off.

To start off, the idea of anything at all going in my damned female reproductive hole is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. I'm certain there are nerves there that feel good, but mentally I just cannot use that part of myself.

Now when it comes to other options— I'm just beyond envious of the equipment that cis guys have that I'll never have. I want to know what it's like to have a proper full sized cock and fuck someone with it. I want to know what a proper blow job feels like, or to be literally balls deep in someone. But genetics screwed me over and denied me a Y chromosome and a dick.

Phalloplasty seems far too extreme of a solution for a sexual desire, especially after talking with people who have gotten it and the amount of work and trauma it involves. I just wish I had a proper dick of my own and I'm upset I'll never have one.

Now thankfully I'm actually quite a subby lad, and so receiving anal is actually one of the few things I can enjoy. But even that is bittersweet because I know I don't have a prostate. Any pleasure I feel still pales in comparison to what I could have had if I had been born with one. And still my entire life I will never know what that properly feels like.

At this point aside from anal, the only things I can enjoy are more bdsm related things, as they can really focus on things other than genitals and be just an exploration of other senses. But usually that is not enough to finish the job without some genital action, and it frustrates me. I feel like I've been forever robbed of something I am desperate for now more than ever.

DAE relate? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel, or is it just lifetime of frustration at my birth circumstances ahead of me?