i think i’m still struggling accepting the fact that i am trans. i figured things out when i was like 10-12 and tried coming out at 12 but my mom did the worst and i just went back in the closet. i never really “came out” (im actually in the process of figuring out how to come out to my family now) and when i got to college and moved out in my first year i just started going by they/them then in my second year they/he and in january of my second year i just changed my name, mind you i knew from the beginning i wanted to go by he/him but i was scared because of what had happened before. i did all that but i never actually came out and told anyone “i’m trans”. i started T 9/23 and i still haven’t come out to my family cause i’m scared but i graduate in May and need them to know cause i’m going to graduate under my name not my old name.

all this is to say, i’ve been finding it hard to actually accept that i am trans and while i can fight and stand up for other trans ppl i just refuse to do that for myself cause then i have to admit that i’m trans. idk it’s weird but i’ve been getting mad and really irritated when i remember i’m trans and i get really dysphoria and i hate it. like i just want to be a guy and not have this thing hanging over me.

idk what to do and i don’t want to be like this. i want to be able to say i’m trans and proud of it like fuck i don’t like hating myself.

and if it’s needed for context, im 22 and mexican american, like i said im not out to my family but i expect some backlash from them when i tell them and worst case scenario im shunned for a while. but i’m graduating with my BA in may so that’s fun.