I told him I'm a man long ago. I started T 15 months ago. I legally changed my name to a male name. I date men and have mentioned being in a gay relationship. My voice has gotten deeper and I've told him about things like how my facial hair is coming in and that I'm breaking out like a teenaged boy.

Dad and I have an hour-long phone call roughly once per month. We're not super close but we love and respect each other (besides his attitude towards me being trans). He understands that I'm 32 and know myself, that it's not a phase or societal contagion. I don't think he's against it. He doesn't react poorly when I talk about T or surgeries. He seems to just not get it. He's in his 70s so I'm not super surprised, but my stepdad is the same age and totally gets it despite generally being conservative and never knowing anyone else who is trans. I've tried explaining things to him a lot over the last couple years, but he makes no effort to ask questions or do research or anything to further his understanding. He also deadnames me 90% of the time. I'm still pretty sure he just doesn't understand that deadnaming is really hurtful and not just a preference. Tbh I stopped trying to correct him on that a few months ago, since it was useless and I talk to him so infrequently anyway. It still stings a bit but I'm mostly over it. I'd rather focus on catching up with him during our calls.

For some reason, though, it really hit me in the chest when he asked about my pronouns during our call last night. I wouldn't have known how he refers to me since people don't typically use pronouns other than "you" when speaking directly to the person. My deadname is very feminine so maybe there's a disconnect between calling me that and using he/him. But I also figured that the deadname thing was just from 32 years of calling me my birth name. I hadn't thought about the fact that he might not be using he/him when speaking to others. I just never thought about it. He is an intelligent and educated person with excellent vocabulary and grammar. He definitely didn't just find out what pronouns are and how they work. Maybe he heard the term "preferred pronouns" recently, but I'd have thought that maybe he'd intuitively use he/him at some point since I'm looking and sounding more and more like a man.

I answered, "Uuuuummm... he and him, obviously. I've been living as a man for almost a year, you know that." He said, "Well you never know." The conversation moved on. That was it. But I haven't stopped feeling bad about it.

Advice welcome but mostly I'm just ranting. Thanks.