I tried to make a tl;dr but I have no idea how to resume that lmao, don't think anyone will read thit monstrosity entirely but anyway (also not fluent so excuse the strange wording here and there), posting on an alt account because..yeah

I'm someone who very rarely interacts with other people due to some circonstances. so I'm not used to it at all in general, and I get anxious / awkward / dumb and so on.\ this weekend there was an old man, friend of my dad, an artisan of all sorts, who came to help fixing a few stuff (I live a my dad's house, for context). The guy is very sociable and has lived so much stuff (a few examples is that he was a paratrooper, his current girlfriend (or hookup something) once bit his nose to the sinus (???), the grounds of his house is worth ~a million (real estate in france is fucked up) but he prefers to work for not a lot and help for now, and since he will sell the land at some point he doesn't bother to renovate his house (..ironic considering his job), one day the floor felt down while he was on the toilet lmaoo and it goes on and the worst is that it seems to be all true), he has a hundred of stories to tell, it's interesting af. And I'm learning to tinker (if that's the good word), set up electricity, how to tile, etc while watching / chatting with him even though I can rarely help due to my current lack of knowledge

However(?) as he talks a lot he's very "raw" in what he says, on the edge of being racist or homophobic or misogynistic or something etc at times "what is [some area in france] becoming, decadency in many places / yeah immigrants etc / [while talking about some (again) weirdass situations he's been through] I'm not a faggot ("jsuis pas pd" jpp) / hope he was not a fag / german soldiers were just soldiers you y know they had to follow orders and all / oh shit no not the black hookers they look like nothing" .....that kind of stuff

the FUNNY THING is that he actually knows about the fact I'm trans, I met him (very briefly) 2/3 years ago at the very beginning of my medical transition. And he hasn't said a single word about it, neither now or before that, or maybe to my father but I wouldn't know. He talked to me like a dude, even said "[...] man", not misgendering or anything, it sounded like it felt natural to him - even if I'm still physically weak / small and have fine features for a man, I think do have masculine mannerisms and haircut manly clothes and all this stuff (I'm shy and have a big butt and I hate my voice though. cause it looks gay/teenagery lol), I even have a visible moustache / sideburns (//edit to mention that I pass, voice as well, and I'm stealth as for example my dad's gf has no idea (even though she said to me that I was thin and asked me what was I eating LMAO))

When we talked (or more likely when he talked while I'm listening) I mostly nod here and there and make follow ups to his jokes, I say yeah she's not bad when he's showing me a pic of his (psycho) girlfriend or talking about my dad's new girlfriend, and he's ridiculously talking a lot about sex and banging women, in a macho-I-love-to-fuck-good-looking-ladies type of way you see, at a point I was wondering if he was testing me in some way or something

(I'm tired just as my brain digests all the stuff and socialization that happened this weekend and writing this lmaooo)\ then there was sunday evening, I'm still in the living room while my dad and la-dite new girlfriend go to bed, the guy takes a shower and comes back just with underpants for some reason and we just keep talking while he sits next to me\ After like two hours we end up going to bed, I feel weird. maybe it was just, normal behavior, or maybe he waited for something to happen that I wouldn't initiate at all and tried to ignore the whole time, but I'm almost sure because nothing happened I heard some "noises" from his bedroom just afterwards, you get what I mean. I realized also that not once but two times during the weekend he subtly tried to check if I was "majeur" (= above 18yo), as I do look young (I'm 21).

This is brainfucking me so bad, and I hope it won't sound too terrible, but I've spent my whole life without a single relationship / intercourse, and I'm so horny all the time (yeah testosterone doesn't help), that the idea of someone being turned on by me turned me on, it's ridiculous, I'm not attracted to an old man lmfao, but there's some kind of desperation, because I've never been attractive to anyone (I was ugly as a girl and it's worse as guy because of obvious reasons), and I hate that I keep thinking about it, even though I'm very grossed out by my body and could never handle anyone seeing it anyway

and it makes me sad / angry the fact that, if I'm not imagining things, the only way I can be attractive is through the "sexual curiosity" point of view, I can imagine how for some it can be arousing to try the gay zone but their very manly mind convince them it's not really gay you see, so nothing wrong and no existential crisis aye, not a 'fag' right?\ reminds me a year ago when I went to a lab to get my blood tested and an old man (..again it seems) asked me to put my arm on his lap for him to insert the needle, and I didn't really think and was like uh ok..First time I'm talking about it actually and I'm still not sure if it was normal or not (there's an area on the chair where you put your arm like, I've done it often to check my T levels, so it's at least unusual for sure)

anyway\ I feel very weird and unsure what I want to think or what to think in general\ and he forgot his sweater so I'm probably going to see him again lmao