Planning on being on T within 2 months.It's hard for me to go out anymore and I'm basically addicted to my phone because I have no social life. This is especially harder because I'm extroverted.

Trying to find guy friends didn't work because anyone willing would want to have sex with me, my presence is triggering to trans-guy friends so that didn't work out, and having cis woman friends is either them just wanting to talk about their sex lives to gain a guy's perspective from me or wanting to have sex with me.

I've quit looking for friends anymore, I can't do it. Just yesterday I made plans to hang out with someone and they blew me off the day of. I feel like a freak.

I can't go outside and do anything heavily active right now either because I'm healing from top surgery. This was my outlet before since I could just casually talk to people and now I just feel trapped inside the house, looking for meaningless external connection.

I'm going through a huge phase in my life and there is no one but my spouse that is there to congrulate this for me. Not even family because I don't really talk to them and I'm not out to them either.

Even with my spouse I felt slightly neglected when they were the caretaker for the first week post-op because she'd get pissed about having to wash my hair for me every 2 days or needing to wake up in the middle of the night to help me out. I really regretted not hiring an RN because I felt guilty for asking her to do things that I couldn't do myself.

It's selfish for me to say this but I hate thst she started her hrt 2 days after I got my top surgery because that was all she would start talking about. I was happy for her but at the same time I never felt like I was able to have my moment.

Unless I start medically transitioning I'm just stuck with attracting people who just want to fetishize me instead of being friends with me. I feel lonely and shitty internally.