So, I had Wilhelm 7 Star and figured, “Surely I can do the HP Parameter Mission.” The only HP weapon I had for him was an old event dagger with 10% HP but “Hey, that’s 10% closer,” thought I.

So I run this stupid dagger through Item World half a dozen times or so (Immediately securing a High Tide, because Eff me) until I get it to a “Respectable” 32% HP Total. So I deck the Mustache Out (Fully Leveled and Potted of course) and I’m just over a thousand (Or two? It’s been a spell) and a half short of my goal. Now, I’ve been eyeing that Delita Armor for a while now, so I figure that 100% TMR Moogle is well enough spent there. It’s not like I’m not going to use it after this, so I drop the moogle into Delita’s lap and boom Mustache has some shiny new armor... and is still about a thousand short.

No problem. I’m using Golem and haven’t taken down Lakshmi yet. So I drop her like a hot rock, pump her up to her 20% HP, and level her till I can get that group charm protection since I’m working on her anyway.

I’m STILL a few hundred short. Well Damn. I poke around my Bowie Knives, but especially after my experience with the Winged Blad-o Whatever, I knew getting a 30% was unlikely. So now I’m trying to figure out where I can get those last few HPs. My accessories are “only” 20% (My materia’s are all 30%, no room there), and guess who I’ve got waiting in the wings.

Go ahead, guess.

No?

Yeah, two Pirate Jakes. Now, I’ve already spent one juicy moogle on this quest, but another one should be fine right? One Jake all furried up later and here’s what greets me:

https://i.imgur.com/Ctigojx.jpg

Yeah.

So I’m miffed, but it’s not over yet. Turns out that the Bomb Family can be ruthelessy murdered for their wedding ring, and that’s a 30% HP Bonus. Shoulda thought about that before right? ANYway, I look up their move set, build a quick team, and I’m ready to commit a tragedy of late night news proportions. Round 1 - I'm murdered when my team fails to drop momma bomb after dropping papa bomb. My Tank’s still alive (Go WKN!) but he can’t Raise, so that’s less than helpful. Options Retire.

Now, I should rebuild it better, stronger, faster, but there’s no NRG left to try again. I have over a thousand NRG bottles, this isn’t enough to set me BACK! Fuck it. Second Pirate Jake Ring it is. I’ve got my HPs, all is well in the world, and at this point in the story, I should have called it a day and scraped what little joy was left for my bitter and withered heart. But wait, I thought I’d read somewhere that Wilhelm could do this relatively easy, why did I have such a problem? I decide to peek at a guide an Wait a Minute... who’s this? Ignacio can do the Parameter Mission as well?

Huh, I’m curious. I have far too many MAX Metal plants to care about maxing a rando burly man that I’ll probably never use, so let’s just see what that would have looked like for shits and giggles. And you know what, because I hate myself, let’s see what it looks like without the Pirate Booty.

https://i.imgur.com/uYnEmfZ.jpg

Yeah. Of course he did. That was definitely worth the limitedd resources I spent on Mustachio. -.-

TL:DR: Why the fuck did you click a post about a chunk of man meat if you weren’t going to read it all? Get back up there and take it like a gamer. Also, I should have trusted my tender muscled beefcake more.