The last 14 days:

Been a bit of an idiot trying (for the thousandth time) to fit in somewhere.

Joined a group. Instantly laughed out of group for making a pleasant request.

Joined another group and got asked to meet a member for a chat. We met up.They then trauma dumped on me and asked to hold my hand for the evening when they offered take me home. I accepted, then poof ghosted, erased, forgotten.

Went to a gig alone, had to ask around for an available seat, and endured 10 versions of “sorry my girlfriend/friend/husband is sitting here”. Basically over paid to have a crappy view, wall to wall reminders of having nobody love or even like me, and a few free asthma attacks thanks to the vapers.

Another member has made hints at trauma dumping and I’m scared to see either one at the group event. Most haven’t been social at all, despite my efforts to ask group questions and offering to join people at their events if they’re don’t want to go alone. Kinda regret offering to photograph the event now.

Joined a third group. Got asked for a phone chat. Talked about themselves for maybe… 5hrs. Arranged to go for coffee next week. Called back two days later to organise my train tickets. Got told they don’t remember me or the conversation. No idea about the coffee plan. Said they forget stuff all the time when they’re tired. Doesn’t feel comfortable with “this” anymore. Laughed and hung on me.

I’m utterly exhausted. My body either wants cry or puke. This distress is making me extremely ill.

All because I fell for the “just get out there and be your best self, someone will like you” trap AGAIN.

FFA32