I’m curious if anyone else has a similar story of joining the church of their own free will then leaving.

So I was not born in the church or dragged to church later in life by parents. After a close family member died, the bus driver who use to take us to Sunday school saw my sisters and I and invited us back to church (only went to Sunday school a short time because the neighbors went). I went back. And I kept going because I thought it was a safe haven. Somewhere I could find peace from my tumultuous home life. I was 12.

I chose to get baptized because other kids were. I prayed. I never felt like I spoken in tongues but I do have a Holy Ghost certificate so maybe I said I did? It was a small church with a small youth group so we did all the youth things together. I did bible quizzing and fund raisers and sometimes camp when I could come up with the money or the church would occasionally pay if I cleaned the church.

The pastors daughter was a friend and I spent a lot of time with them. I felt protected and at the same time jealous of this perfect family I couldn’t have. But with all that i questioned a lot.

By the time I turned 18, I wasn’t feeling the love and support but the judgement and shame. For my questions, for my mistakes, for my lack of tithing what little money I made, for wanting to go to college and be a professional woman vs going to wife college to find a husband.

I started thinking about why I was going and realized it was because I was expected to. I always did what was expected of me. I thought if I did maybe my parents my love me, might not harm me, maybe the church people might love me, etc.

I decided then I should only live up to my own expectations. I stopped going. No visits from the pastor to see why. No more contact with my friend, the pastors daughter. I was quick to learn what shunning was and how I was used.

Now, 15 years later, I have a good life with a wonderful family I built and a great career I’m proud of. But I still look back and wonder how could someone prey on a vulnerable child and use them like that. I have conflicted feelings because I did get safety from home there at least a few days a week but how much more damage did they do?

Anybody else share a similar experience?