i’m here because i shouldn’t text him, because i’ve had the breadcrumbs before, and do not want to be the person to dish them out.

tomorrow is the first time i’ll see you in about a week. the first 3 days were rough. i miss you, but once your other partner lied, and once i realized it, i couldn’t do it anymore.

i love you so much, but i can’t expose myself to that. i don’t want to be weighed down by the past. i don’t want to be privy to you being in love with someone that has gaslit you. who’s tried gaslighting me.

i need to focus on me, and i hope you focus on you too. and i know you will. i hope there are ways in which you get me, i hope you didn’t mean what you said. it hurt, but only because you said it, not because it was true.

part of me is annoyed with your actions. part of me thinks you’re 28 and need to grow up. you’re not 26 anymore, you’re damn near 29.

i sat in the shower yesterday getting ready to meet drakes friend nick who i’ve thought was cute. i cried briefly, saw him, and, he’s not you. i met sam at the concert that we were BOTH at and he’s horribly boring to text. i’m meeting the other sam friday- can you see i’m in post break up brain?

i’ve gotten a few good gigs this week. i can’t text you about them. afterwards i had the happiest moment of my early 20s in the elevator going up to my apartment and i couldn’t tell you about it. my apartments a wreck and there are clothes everywhere. i need to take the trash out. i was defrosting two chicken breasts in the microwave the other day and thought of you. i filmed it. i’m still making you a film, and, i’ll probably never give it to you; but i’ll release it when i’m more historical and less nostalgic. the nyc film fest announcements are in two days by the way. i thought they were today.

anywho, i love you, and i love myself and mental health. see you tomorrow at work.