It all started about a week before the breakup. We had an outing planned and he couldn’t go bc of a very valid reason (if he was telling the truth…). Told him I understood. Didn’t hear from him for a long while until the evening which he only did maybe one other time before during our relationship. I kind of brush it off. That weekend, he said he was ill. We exchange literally 1 text each day. I respect the fact that he’s ill and don’t blow up his phone/double text. His texting did pick back up a bit (but nowhere near our normal frequency) the following week but definitely sending his last texts of the day very early. I could sense he needed space so I didn’t ask him at all to go anywhere and didn’t double text even on the days he stopped texting early. HE asked to come over (mid week by now) and it was kind of a mess. All the stuff causing me anxiety came up at once. He clearly wouldn’t communicate his real feelings with me, I tried to get him to and he just wouldn’t. He just seemed like he wanted to leave right away.

Anyway, after sending a text trying to offer my support and get him to state his needs, he ghosts me for 2 days and I double texted to check up on him. He finally sent the break up text. We’d been dating for 5 months but I’d never been so attracted to a man both physically and mentally/emotionally. I was looking forward to so much…

Anyways,

First week: Lots of crying, heartache, panic, can’t sleep, can’t eat, dreams about him when I do sleep, too overwhelmed to clean or cook, get antidepressants for the first time in my life. On my mind 24/7. Cling to my gym routine but at 65% effort. Extremely hard to get through my work day. Constantly thinking of what I could’ve done better, dreaming of getting back together.

Second week: Appetite increases and I indulge in foods and alcohol I like for hits of dopamine. Get into cycling at the gym, very hard on my body but helped to get my anger out. Still can’t manage cleaning or cooking. Cry here and there. Still think of him constantly. Still ruminating. Desperately want to know what changed in that weekend before the BU. He was just….different.

Third week: Cooked a couple meals for the first time since the BU. Appetite has went down a lot likely due to one of my antidepressants, but I’m really glad about that. Losing weight again. Been productive at work. Still a quiet sadness that surrounds me, zone out a lot, still watching attachment style videos to find out how we can best communicate if he ever came back….and I didn’t think I had it in me anymore but I cried again. You know that sensation when the tears are coming? I teared up a little so I count that as crying. My thoughts flip flop between getting back together if he tried, and rejecting him for putting me through the disrespect and pain of a slow fade discard.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk, I’ll be back next week.