i honestly don’t know how i feel. i think that some part of me wants him to come back still. he still comes up in my mind often. but i do fully accept that my attachment to him is more to a version of him that doesn’t exist. i also know that i fantasize about this version of him in order to avoid myself, similar to other things i do, like play chess and use social media. i guess i always knew that, but i never was able to fully take it in until recently when i was meditating and had a long conversation with my inner child. there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed. but i believe in myself.

it’s most likely that he will never come back. I’ve come to terms with that. i still hope he does, but even if he does, i know i will ignore him. i dont deserve to be put through the emotional turmoil of having him in my life. i need to prove to myself that i am going to keep people that will hurt me away.