“love” is just silly chemicals of attraction, then when you think you feel real love then its called “obsession” or “limerence”. love isnt real. its just a series of being used and using others. its so transactional when it’s actually healthy. everything feels so surface level. i feel like i can’t feel anything anymore. nothing matters and im losing my mind because none of the love i felt was real. because love just simply doesnt exist.

will i ever feel secure? i feel like i never have. nobody has been safe. not my parents, none of my partners and friends. i feel like theyve all ever abandoned me or mistreated me until i had to abandon them. and perhaps thats a me issue, in fact it definitely is, which im working on. but i can’t help but feel as if ive given up on hope. new people i meet, i tend to push them away to keep myself from getting attached. even making friends is difficult. it used to be me being clingy and dependent and now i simply cannot let anyone in my circle. i find myself ignoring my messages even when the people i care about are upset about it. but it feels easier to just be alone. every time ive tried, ive gotten hurt. so now i just do not feel love anymore, and question whether or not its even real, since the times ive felt love werent even love. and i am giving up. im done with people. i have my cats and dog, i have chess and my journals. and im fine with that.

(note: “tough love” and condescension only pisses me off. so please refrain in the comments. because i’ll probably get really defensive, and i actually care about this community, i don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings. thank you)