we ended things in march ‘22. i couldn’t sleep alone, i stayed with friends for 2 weeks; i couldn’t get my body off the kitchen floor; to say i was in the utmost emotional pain is too weak a phrase. they were everything- everything- to me. the best, and worst i’d ever had encapsulated into one person. a spectrum of joy and agony personified into a partner. they were talented, volatile, capable of all emotions, and at the end of the day, incredibly hurt.

duly note that, “hurt people hurt people.” and when someone shows you their true self, believe them.

it’s been what, nearly a near and a half i guess? a year and a half of thinking, “i’ll never have that again, no thing nor person will ever give me that joy,” then the phase of, “all of these people (s*xual and platonic) are giving me joy. then to, “i’m giving myself joy.”

note that grief is non linear and comes in waves. and while it doesn’t hurt me now, my exs words can still sting and have impacted the way in which i navigate a relationship. note that time and distance are the greatest medication. finding the best version of you, the person you are without them is essential too. love yourself as much as if you were your own partner.

[this is an anecdote blurb if you wanna skip] everyone always says that when you stop looking around someone comes- that person comes. i met him on tinder 10 months ago, he lives in brooklyn- i was there for a film festival for 2 days. we basically became pen pals after that, and developed an actual interest in one another, but nothing serious. i moved to paris for a bit, came back to my city, and finally, our paths crossed when i went back to brooklyn. we kissed. he gave me a book with a long note on the inside. weeks later it started to click, and now, i have an inkling of an idea that i’ll end up marrying this dude. it’s beyond the idea of just dreaming it, it’s really seeing it play out. even with distance never have we ever run out of things to talk about, goals and how we want to achieve them. the list goes on.

[anecdote over lol] the fact is, the world is still spinning and that’s not a bad thing. it can feel unfair, but with each day, you make progress in healing. and one day, you’ll look back at your experience stronger, and with a historical lens rather than a nostalgic one.