Hi y’all, my (f23) partner (m28) and I have been together for 4 years and started exploring ENM in October 2021. I brought it up bc I want to explore my queerness and felt like we want different things in life. He was confused by what ENM means, but he didn’t reject it. So we both read polysecure, and I’m reading ethical slut.

So far we agreed I can have emotional intimate relationships with others but not sexual (I.e. sex). He knows I’ve been meeting people from tinder, men and women. And I tell him about my hangouts.

We have explored the idea of opening up sexually, but have not finalized an agreement, other than no sex at the moment. He’s taking his time getting used to the idea of ENM and we already spend weekends apart (we live together).

Recently, I met a guy who is my type in every way. At first i was not sexually attracted to him. But soon enough I was. I went over to his apt and we cuddled and watched documentaries. At the end of the night he invited to his room and I said “I’d really like to but I can’t” he asked about kissing and I said the same thing. He knows about my partner and I explained why I can’t go further even if really really want to. I slept over and we didn’t do anything sexual— is cuddling sexual?

I feel really guilty, I didn’t have sex or kiss him, but I became WAYYY more romantically interested than I anticipated. So far all my meetups have been platonic.

So now I’m like reluctant to see this man, bc I don’t want to be tempted. I don’t know if should cut him off until I have permission to have sexual relationships, or if I should talk to my partner. The challenge is my partner is taking his time with ENM and doesn’t want to be rushed.

How can I slow down? How should I talk to my partner about this situation?

Thank you!

Update 1: I messaged the secondary guy about the situation and he said he’s willing to wait (he’s casually dating around). We won’t see each other but will continue to have conversations on topics we are interested in. Now it’s time to talk to my primary partner. I’m going to pause seeing new people and tell him about the situation after he comes home and is well rested. I’ll discuss implementing concrete milestones and outlining what ENM structure to move towards.

Update 2: I spoke to my partner on the phone, he’s driving home now. He thanked me for telling him about the situation and said he has a lot of trust in me, and the way I handled the situation makes him feel valued. We didn’t get into any nitty gritty just we’ll talk more details throughout the week and onward.