I’ve been interested in it but I think it was just 1) trying to get my husband interested in me again, not that I had those conscious thoughts at the time and 2) I felt so codependent on him that I was desperate to feel some kind of “normal”, the way I did before I met him.

Now he’s about to take “his turn”, and my stomach is in absolute knots. I struggle so much with comparing myself to porn actresses and OF girls and just generally other women images that men are used to consuming. I feel so inferior and garbage. I can’t bring myself to withdraw the arrangement since he’s wanted to for so long. It’s so hard to see him excited for this when I already feel so alone and boring to him in general, especially sex, even though I do lots of new things and I’m very open. I feel like just my body is old and boring to him. Always looking at other women in the store or online, and commenting on them. I get jealous and shoot down his “prospective” hookups without even thinking about it. Plus, this latest girl wants him to be her dom and I can’t even get him to bring a blindfold into the bedroom.

I tell myself to push all of it down because monogamy is a sexist invention and that it’s just the brainwashing leaving my body. But I feel so alone and I’m terrified of doing something to control him because of my feelings. I hate this so much and I have been hiding from my kids crying in the bathroom on and off for 2 days.

Do i push through this, or do I stop it. He is going to be incredibly upset and accuse me of having a double standard and I’m in an absolute panic. Please help.