Really hope this is the right subreddit. Hoping to get some more perspective in wanting ENM.

I have been someone that has always been outgoing and truly loved to connect people, bringing groups together. Inspiring people to let go of stress and enjoy the moment, exploring new idea etc. I loved the "art" of pickup, I loved every experience, to learn to act as a mirror, and hoping to enlighten others life as well. I had a group of women/men in my younger years, where we could all openly talked about this.

At that time, I did not know about Poly- or ENM life. Or, at least, not in the sense that it could be something sustainable. At one of the night going out, I met this women, that made me feel truly adored and seen. She filled something, that others girls did not, and I liked to total picture I had at that moment. Though she was completely traditional, even-though I was clear that I was also dating other girls, while seeing her weekly. Slowly, instead of truly feeling proud of this lifestyle, she made me slowly feel like I was doing something bad. Note, I recognize this is also my upbringing, to only date a single girl, etc.

Fast forward 5 years, I isolated myself, guilt tripped myself, and no longer feel like I life by the standards I use to have such strong preference for. Lately I have been reading more and more about ENM/Poly, and it ignite a flame inside of me that I have not felt for a long time. It made me remember about my way of living, how to not feel guilty, to feel the deeper connections with people, to be supportive (not jealous towards each other). I truly which I could share this life, the feeling, with my girlfriend. I am not at a point to talk about this with her, there are many layers that I am working on, but I am having personal and relationship therapy to hopefully set some steps in the right direction.

Anyway, I have also read through the subreddit of PA/SA. Of course, initiated by my internal guilt, and read similar stories... just seen as possible PA/SA.

It would truly enlighten my life to have a partner where we can share these experiences. Meeting people together, talk about what make us both happy, talking about what is making each other happy, open communication, to keep keep talking, trying to overcome fears together... if this can be done through a form of ENM, I would feel so fulfilled. I know it says "ENM life", not that I want this to direct my whole life, but it is an important anchor point I feel.