Background:

For a few years, my wife lost her mojo. Motherhood, then perimenopause, increased work responsibility. It was hard for her to turn it back on.  It has also been hard that she doesn't get the level male attention (other than me) that she used to get. She's been feeling her age at 45, but she worked really hard to get down to pre-baby weight and is feeling better about herself. After a lot of talking, trying things to get her out of her mom-brain,  our sex life has gotten back on track. Still,  she misses the thrill of the chase and talking about the fantasy of other partners for her has been hot for both of us. 

A younger version of me, a long time ago, was in an ENM marriage that crashed and burned. ENM wasn't the reason, but it was gasoline on the fire when things went bad. I have some residual trauma from that experience. At the same time, I know the benefits and value when it's working well. I was connected to the ENM crowd in the city where I used to live and was able to date/hookup.  In that other relationship, we swung together (until things started to fall apart) and I was connected to an ENM community. We never had the Stag/Vixen dynamic. I was having my own dates, going to parties on my own.  I didn’t need to use apps to find a partner, but I was able to meet some on OKC, back when it was a good website. I was also a young looking, attractive 39 yo.

The Present:

My wife had some convos with a friend who in ENM. and that got us talking. She knows my history and isn't interested in swinging. She doesn't even want to have sex with other people at this point, though the fantasy is there. She wants to go on dates, flirt, and have fun. Bring that energy home. Maybe, if we are both comfortable after her going on some dates, some soft hookup. I support this this fully, and I'm open to more happening if it feels right for both of us.

Stag/Vixen seems to be the closest thing to what we are doing.  Baby Step Stag Vixen? She’s making the initial connection on apps, but she shares all the messages and I have final approval/approval. She has one date set up for next week and two decent prospects for the future. We've agreed that if I get uncomfortable with the reality when it happens, she will stop.

Here are my concerns and I’m hoping to get some feedback. 

I know how quickly things can escalate. I have experience in the lifestyle.  I keep anticipating that she will want more with the guys and they will want more from her. On one hand, that really turns me on. On the other hand, it scares me because  in my last ENM relationship, there were LOTS of broken agreements and betrayal on her end. Different person, different situation, but I still have that baggage. If I feel like my wife wants something, my instinct is to give to her. It will be hard to say “No” even if I’m uncomfortable.

My second concern is that I know this will be mostly a “her” thing. My pleasure will come from her pleasure and the energy (an stories) she brings back to me. I am free to date, but her concerns around my experience in the lifestyle. She isn’t interested in parties, swinging, etc. The kind of dating she is doing is very difficult for a guy like me. I am free to date at whatever level we decide is good for both us. While, I’m still handsome and fit with a better body than I had then, I’m 52. I don’t hide the gray or the thinning hair. Frankly, I’m not even sure I WANT to date.

Still, I’m having a little trouble wrapping my brain around not dating while my wife is dating and not having the sexy Stag/Vixen feeling overpowered a nagging sense that I’m being a cuckold and not “getting my share.”   It’s a complex feeling. I’m not even sure I WANT my share. This has been long, but I would love to hear from people who are on this journey about managing the feelings, boundaries, escalations, etc.